Today’s not been a great day, I’m so stressed out and just, well…miserable.  I hate my life, I really do.  Nothing is what I expected it to be. I mean, I love my kids dearly, don’t get me wrong, but there are just so many things within my life that are really wearing me down and I really have no idea how to deal with most of them.  My daughter is so frustrating with her behaviors and temper tantrums.  She’s ten years old with the mind of a four year old and the temperament of a toddler. When she doesn’t get her way she gets into these screaming fits of rage where she rattles the glass and shakes the walls with the mere pitch of her voice.  Shes like an opera singer on steroids.  My son is eight and has been diagnosed with ADHD.  For the most part he’s a good kid just hyper active and slightly scatter brained. He is extremely creative, very imaginative, and I think pretty damn intelligent.  He’s also an obstinate smart ass. I think what set me off today was the fact that I went to the store, had a whole cart full of things that I intended to buy and when I got to the check out I realize that my bank card was missing.  This really upset me because my partner and I had just had a talk the day before about budgeting and finances and saving money so the only thing that I can conclude as to why my card was gone is that last night while I was sleeping he took it upon himself to take my card and go get fast food instead of waiting for morning when food stamps came in.

I was livid as I drove back home. He was still in bed when I came through the front door (at 1:57 pm) so I proceeded head up the stairs and into our room and take his wallet out of the jeans that he taken off and thrown on the floor like he does every night.  I brought the wallet down stairs and found my card along with 14 dollars of my money that he lied about having (no shocker there).  I seriously am getting sick of this.  I really want him to get out and look for a job.  I can’t keep supporting him this way while he sleeps all day because his depression makes it way too difficult for him to function normally. He’s started seeing a therapist finally and I am glad for that. I hope he can start to work through some of his issues. Yeah I understand that he’s depressed, I am too, but I still have to drag my ass out of bed, cook, clean, pay bills and take care of my kids. I don’t have the luxury of catering to my own needs.  If I’m in a funk of depression, tough shit. If I’m sick oh well. No one rushes over to help me out when I feel like crap, my kids don’t magically disappear and the house doesn’t clean itself and quite frankly, no one else in this house cleans it either.

I’ve tried to bring up these issues to my partner but he just gets angry and thinks that I am being too bossy and demanding. I’m like shit man! All I want is a little support here. Empty a trash can, clean a toilet! When did I become your little whipping boy??  I brought up about him getting a job and all I get in return is well maybe YOU should go look for a job.  Excuse me? I may not have a “traditional” job but I write and make consistent money with my writing. It’s not a lot, we’re not rich by any means, but what I write is enough to help pay the bills, keep my partner in cigarettes and pop, and even gives me a little extra to play with in case we decide to go out to eat or take a weekend vacation from the kids and get a cheap hotel room or something (preferably with a pool lol).  So, I don’t know what his issue with me, like he should even have one. Sometimes I think he expects me to do more and be his little slave boy but yeah, like that’s gonna happen!  Demons in hell will be selling ice pops to angels before I bow down and kiss anyone’s ass.  He just needs to get his ass in gear and get his shit together or things around here are going to change dramatically because I’m just not going to put up with it anymore.  I seriously am at the end of my rope and if I fall, I’m bringing the entire house down with me!