I am not sure how I made it through work today. I have been feeling very down for a few days now and I a very bad anxiety attack today.
I listened to my voice mails at lunch. One was from the head of mental health unit in my town. I have been talking with him about my interest in setting up an OCD support group. His message said that he had talked to my therapist and my therapist feels that I am not yet at the stage of my treatment where I would be ready to make such a committment. The thoughts instantly started flooding through me. "See, he thinks you are crazy." "You are useless." I started crying and had to phone my brother in law.
I also brought my dog in to class today. I am using him two times a month as a form of pet therapy and to work with one of my students. I was playing with him and for some reason I was flooded with memories of 8 years ago when I was mean to my other dog. My brain wouldn's top. I thought about that, about the statement in IMP of the mind, about my new violent thought and how they could possibly be all connected and I am actually a violent person. Then I thought about losing my daughter and going to jail. I started crying again.
I don't know if I should even go to work anymore. Lately I have been looking at so many license plates I've almost been getting into accidents. I love my job and my kids, but if everyday is going to be like this I can't do it. When I got home today, I opened the door and my wife was ther holding our daugher. I started crying.
The holidays were so good. I had these thoughts too, but this feeling of sadness, fear, and anxiey was not there. I don't understand. Why?
During my crying spells today I was even having the I don't want to be here anymore thoughts. And I feel like crying again.
hey there.many times i have had times like this too,many times i have looked at the my kids and burst into tears after my ocd has been so bad(and no doubt ill be there again at some point)but you sound like a very caring considerate person,this is just your ocd thoughts taking over,the reason you are obsessing about violence so much is because you hate it,and it is against your nature.im not great at giving advice so ill just say this,this is ocd playing its tricks,all i can do is send hope and strength(which you probably have heaps of because you fight this illness everyday),xxxx
The term "insult to injury" comes to mind. With OCD, I think these thoughts are always there, but your state of mind, level of stress, etc. determines how you'll react to them. Studies show that even people without OCD have these sorts of thoughts from time to time, but they simply brush them off as the harmless, meaningless things that they are. With folks like us, they unfortunately get set on "repeat" and keep cycling over and over until they leave us a crying, quivering mess.
I'm sure that the logical side of your mind knows this, but I don't think your therapist thinks you're crazy. But you've obviously got a lot to deal with in your own life now, so starting up a support group would just put more pressure on you and aggravate your OCD further. It probably sounds silly, but the first analogy that comes to mind for me is the safety instruction they give you on airplanes when they tell you to secure your own oxygen mask before helping others: you've got to steady yourself before you start worrying about everyone else.
I wish I knew what to tell you to help comfort you about these violent thoughts. When I'm having them, there's very little that helps me to feel better, other than knowing that plenty of other people suffer from the same thing, and that if I truly were a horrible, violent person, I wouldn't feel so tortured by the thoughts. All I can do is throw some good vibes your way, and offer to be an ear if you ever need someone to listen.
I find the time right after Christmas usually triggers me. So much build up (even though I avoid malls etc.) and afterwords my brain seems to need something to latch onto. Enter OCD… You are not alone. Don't ever forget that. Christmas even though it is a good anxiety is still anxiety provoking.