My goodness, the lyrics of the song Nowhere To Run describe my relationship with OCD so very well. It has become such a part of me…it has taken over so much of me. And even though I fight it everyday, I know deep down I'll never rid myself of it. To an extent, I can deal with that…but I just wish it wouldn"t attack when I seem to have no way to fight it.

With a broken arm and now being sick, I am laid uo in the bed or on the couch 95% of the day. This morning, in the worst of my sickness, I lay in bed nearly delirious and slipping in and out of sleep. In the midst of this delirious slumber, I had a disturbing sexual thought and, even in trying to battle it, I couldn't rid myself of it. The thought just grew and grew and stretched into strings of disturbing visions in my mind's eye. My usual course of action would be to get up and do something, keep myself busy, so I didn't hear the thought so clearly or maybe it would be drowned out completely. But I was stuck…my arm, the pain, and my feeling of needing to vomit kept me in the throws of the thought. One of the worst compulsions I have, is to consciously try to determine if I am turned on by these horrible sexual thoughts. I know I'm not…I'm not that kind of person…the thoughts make me want to vomit. But, alas, I still carry out the compulsion and it sucks. Every tickle in my body (which can so easily be caused by the immense anxiety splitting my nerve endings), every odd muscle impulse (also being caused by anxiety and impending panic attacks), will cause me to stress beyond belief. I am feeling a bit better right now. But I am still anxious as hell…these thoughts horrify me so much…and now I wonder if I'll sleep, because I am sweating with anxiety and the pressure of trying to always figure my mind out (which will never happen)…I just hate this shit, all of it…I want my non-OCD brain to take over now and give me lovely thoughts of hikes with my husband, reading a book to my son, walking with the dog, etc. Does ANYONE think I'll actually ever have that? I'm not sure anymore…