<<When do your attacks happen?>>

My attacks mostly all happen when I'm faced with going to a new or unfamiliar environment. They started when I was about 10 when my family and I moved to Colorado. I hated to be without my parents. It got easier to be alone once I started middle school but anxiety was still there. I also had pretty bad migraines and I was always afraid of getting one when I was away from home.

High school came and went with little anxiety. I wasn't very popular or social so looking back, I guess I was never faced with much in terms of anxiety triggers.

College is really where my anxiety kicked into full-gear. I changed my mind at the last minute about going to school on the East Coast and decided to stay closer to home. Then I decided (again, at the last minute) not to study abroad. I had a relationship with a guy who ended up breaking my heart numerous times and I've been apprehensive about dating since. After that, I was able to live alone for over four years. I graduated with a business degree and got a few jobs in various fields. I was laid off from my dream job in advertising then laid off again from another job. I was hurting financially so I moved in with my parents. Shortly thereafter, I was offered a job across town. I accepted the job even though it was about an hour drive each way and the pay was pretty bad. I drove up the first day but after 30 minutes of filling out forms, I excused myself saying I was recovering from the flu and needed to go home — But really a panic attack started just as I exited the highway. I later called and explained that I wouldn't be able to take the job for personal reasons.

I thought this would be an isolated incident — That my gut was telling me it was a bad idea, a bad fit. So when I agreed to take this poition at a lawfirm, I thought I would be fine. It paid much more and was closer to home. The night before, my mind started to race. When my alarm clock went off, it's like it flipped a switch and the attack started. I called in sick but the panic was still there. I considered having my dad take me to the ER but decided against it because of the cost. My dad ended up working from home that day so I wouldn't be alone.

I think changing my mind about this job was a combination of PD, anxiety, and the fact that this job would be hitting home on a daily basis. Basically, the job wound entail informing people of foreclosure procedures starting on their house. Two years ago, my family lost their house due to a bad investment. After careful thought, I decided this job may be a daily reminder of my family's struggles.

<<does anyone know this happens at work?>>

Yes, for the most part, everyone knows. I am very open about my problem. At times, it's very embarassing but it's helped me make my problem less of an issue. Like, if people know what's wrong, it makes the panic disorder seem smaller somehow.

<<what are u doing to cope with it at the moment?>>

I've been on meds for the past three or four years as well as seeing a therapist. I have been on a combination of Prozac (10-30mg over time, now I'm down to 10mg), Clonazepam (.25mg — I was at .5mg not too long ago) and .25mg of Xanax when needed. I spoke with my therapist today who suggested seeing my psychiatrist to raise my medication levels. I have an appointment with both next week.

<<Have you spoken to family/friends/GP?>>

Friends and family know about my problems but very few have ever experienced actual panic disorder. One good friend has and she is my main sounding board when ever I'm having a rough day. My therapist is also pretty amazing. She even called me three times yesterday when I has having an attack. She is very well versed in anxiety issues and I feel incredibly comfortable sharing my life issues with her. I have a good psychiatrist and general doctor. I also do yoga, pilates, and cardio 5-6 days per week. I plan on trying acupuncture and spiritual healing. I feel like I've tried everything else so it can't hurt!

My apologies for such a long post! Once I start talking (or typing) about this, I can't stop! Thanks again for your support 😀

M