Hi…been a while since I blogged here….took a bit of a sabbatical while dealing with my ailing father in his final days before his subsequent passing,,,,strangely enough, didn't have much of a desire to come on here when that was going on and for months after until recently…you would think that this site would've been a vital place for me to want to frequent when something as naturally depressing as that was going on, and then when people like us have done battle with the likes of (in my particular case anyway)Severe Depressive Disorder and have to be concerned that powerful sadness over such a loss will go beyond what is considered "normal" grief….But somehow I wasn't here….

I'm reeling from heartbreak/heartache(pick one, or both) over a girl whom I tried to get together with for months, finally appeared to had nailed down an absolute date for her….only for her to cancel out on me at virtually the last second on plans I made with her to go to a baseball game(of which I persuaded a good friend of mine to provide me with good seats for the occasion), as she instead decided that she wanted to go her dancing lesson because she felt bad she hadn't gone in weeks…and of course I still didn't throw in the towel on her at that point even though I probably should have, because she did mention the possibility of still getting together in the weeks ahead….but it never materialized, and now I saw her announce on her Facebook page that she is moving to FLA in a few weeks….and I'm disappointed and angry and hurt…and I figure it's another test the…"Flow of the Universe" or whatever you want to call it has decided to give me to see if it will cause me to ultimately break or not…anyway, that's not one of the things that I came on here to make sure I "wasn't alone" about; that's just something I wanted to vent about…thank you for allowing me to do so….

But as far as the things that I just want to make sure I'm not alone about, that various people on here can hopefully relate to in one form or another….I just want to make sure for instnace I'm not alone in having the fear and uncertainty that I might get evicted from my apartment later on today because I'm going to have to tell the landlord for the 6th straight month that I won't be able to pay the rent on time…I can as usual pay it on the 3rd Wednesday of the month when my disability check comes in, but not today when it is due…Someone was helping me for many months up until about January by lending me the necessary $ to cover the cost of the rent when it was due at the beginning of each month until I could pay her back when my check would come in….but that person has stopped helping me ever since the start of the year….And the whole mess stems from Depression, in particular the severe bout of I came down with in May '09, which ultimately led to my dismissal from my full-time job months later when it was obvious the depression was affecting my performance at work and I couldn't function there anymore..which long story short has led to me jobless ever since even though I started to get better around a year ago…so I guess I want to know that I'm not alone in that the struggle to keep up with paying rent stems from depression, that someone out there knows what I'm talking about, or knows someone close to them who has gone through such a thing….

I also want to know that I'm not alone in the job search itself and how the battles with depression affect that too even if you've started feeling better….how you have to make sure that, for starters, it's just a part-time job that won't pay you over the limit per month in order to keep your disability pay, because, you know, when you're in the process of recovery from a severe bout of depression, it's not that you're ever ruling out trying to get a full-time job again, it's not that you're someone who's trying to "abuse" the system even though there are cold-hearted @holes in this country who would assume that's exactly what you're trying to do; it's just that it's a "baby-steps" procedure, and it starts with just a part-time job, and the ability to keep those benefits in case the beast that is depression decided to work its way into your system again like it did during your last job and you might have to quit before it gets worse…so you want to make sure you can handle the little things at first, ya know? And then when you know you can handle that, you eventually try for bigger things again, and get off disability, etc….does anyone know what I mean by this? Can anyone relate? Or know someone who is or has experienced these kind of complex issues in the whole job-search thing?….

And along those same lines, can anyone relate to the frustration of dealing with friends and family who don't understand these complexities, who think that you're not having a job=you're not trying to get one? who think that, "hey, you're doing much better than you were for about 3-year period there, so that means you should be able to work ANY kind of job that's available out there,"?; who suggest various kinds of places to apply to, places they heard were hiring, etc without giving thought to how you have to make sure it's something that doesn't go over the monthly income limit, without giving thought as to whether it's a place that would be the right fit for you or not in terms of your personal comfort level as to whether it's a place that could trigger depression or not?….

I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure there are people on here who can relate to all of this, or at least some of this, or whatever, because I'm pretty sure I've seen such examples of this in various blogs I've perused over the months ever since I have been a member on here…but still….it's been a while…so I just need a reminder…..that I'm not alone. Thanks…and I hope you're all doing well out there.