Im new to this thing so im sorry if im posting this in the wrong group thing.
Im also sorry its so long.
Okay, So ive been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder when i was 9 (im 17 now)
I cant remember a time when i was truly happy for more than two days straight.
All through out my life ive had traumatic things happen to me from the age of 6 to now…
my parents have always been on and off for as long as i can remember. when i was 6 my parents had gotten into a big fight and my mom went to live in her friend’s house and she took me with her, the house she was living in with me was actually a drug house, and i didnt know it at the time cause i was so young but looking back it was a really messed up situation. we didnt live there for long but a lot of really bad and unspeakable things happen to me in that house.
but my mom and i moved back with my dad but theyd still always fight and argue anyway after that i got into a bad accident when i was 10 that put me into a wheelchair for two years so dealing that has always been hard and i still have issues with my body to this day from the accident, and thats when the depression came into my life, and it still hasnt gone away
once i fully recovered from my accident my parents split up again and this time they started dating other people and the people they brought around me werent very nice or there kids werent very nice after dealing with all that they got back together,again
than i started high school at this point in my life i was trying to figure out who i was while still fighting with depression and family issues
I had gotten my first boyfriend and i had rushed everything because i wanted to feel wanted and loved, but when we broke up i lost it, thats what pushed me over the edge and thats when i started to feel like i am worth nothing in this world
and thats also when i lost control of my bipolar disorder so it my parents sent me to DBH A mental hospital, now ive been there before but this time was different. while i was in DBH my mom came into vist me and she had something to tell me…… she told me she was pregnant… and it wasnt my fathers
She was pregnant with a heroin addicts baby, she ended up losing it cause she would drank and smoke weed while being pregnant, but she told me this while i was in a mental hospital trying to deal with my problems and by her telling me this it made me forget the reason i went there in the first place.
than later in that school year i started seeking attention from guys (i dont do this anymore), and that cause a lot off issues feather down the line
than the worse year of my life happened. I went into my sophomore year trying to be a new me and trying to better myself, but within the second week of school something i did my freshman year came back to bite me in the ass, when i was seeking attention from guys one of the guys i had slept with had a girlfriend and she had just found out. than before i knew it the entire school (i lived in a small town so yes it was actually mostly the entire school) had found out and everyone in the school was making fun of me and harassing me and calling me names, i understand what i did was wrong and i understand i deserved to get shit from it but i feel as if everyone had taken it too far cause than i started to hear rumors people had made up about me that most certainly werent true
once everyone had forgotten about that me and my friend made a really stupid musically to be intentionally stupid and cringy well someone had taken it off my account and posted in on a public cringe page that has 2.5 million followers…. the video had gotten over 5 hundred thousand likes and of course the entire school saw it and was making fun of me in the hallways and throwing things at me in class at this point my dad had to take me out of school right after i finished Drivers Ed cause he didnt want to pay for the class so i got out of that school and the only thing keeping me together was my basically my only friend russell and as soon as i had gotten out of school he just stopped talking to me and blocked me on everything without a explanation
Thannnnn this summer me and my family moved and i started a new school and nothing socially bad happened but because i had to be taken out of school last year i was still a sophomore this year and this school wasnt giving me the help i need because i am dyslexic, so i have a hard time with school and i was failing this school year because i wasnt understanding what the teachers were teaching so i am now taking online classes
but now my depression is really bad and the situations my mom keeps putting me in do not help how i feel
yesterday my mom took me to her parents for the weekend and they were treating me like im 5 and they were toning everything i say out like i was a kid and an issue that ive been having is that i feel like nothing i say matters to anyone and this just confirmed that than that night my mom took me to her friends house and they were all doing all sorts of drugs and they were cooking drugs and my own mother was pressuring me into doing some of them…. i have no problems smoking weed but they were cooking dabs and stuff and im not comfortable with that but my mom was pressuring me so i took a few hits off of it and i absolutely did not like that, it made me stay high for 24 hours, we did them late at night than i woke up and was still fucked up all day the next day and i didnt like it all.
than my boyfriend came to take me to the mall and it made me feel better but we had to stop at my friends house to pick up something from my mom and i didnt know whod be in the house cause sometimes theres people there who steal peoples wallets to buy food and drugs so anyway my boyfriend left his wallet on his seat and i grabbed it and put it in my pocket because i knew that no one in the house would steal from me but theyd definitely steal from him, so i put in my pocket and i gave it back to him in the car and i guess he forgot to put it back in his pocket so anyway we were getting fod at the food court and he went to pay for his food and couldn’t cause he left his wallet in the car and than he screamed at me and made a huge scene so i paid for both of our food and on the walk back to his car i was trying so hard not to burst into tears, than when we got back to the car he found his wallet and yelled at me a little bit more than said sorry and hugged me and i just simply said its okay it was my fault, please just take me back than on the car ride back to my grandparents i cried quietly, than when we got back i put on a fake smile and ate my food with him
now im home and my depression is even worse than it was when i left to go to my grandparents.
ive been sitting on my bed crying all day and i honestly hate feeling like this and i really just want help and i just want to be happy and i dont know how to be happy for extended periods of time i dont want to be depressed any more i just want to be normal and i want to be able to have fun with my friends and i dont want to wake up everyday thinking how everyones life well be better with out me in it i dont want to be suicidal i feel like i know theres a way i can be happy thats why i havent done anything extreme yet but im really starting to loss hope, i feel like im at the point now where ive used the suicide hotline too much and ive been to too many different therapists and ive been on too many different medications
im just really loosing hope
please ill take any suggestions on how to cope and be happy