I know I don’t love you, now. I know you aren’t special, or good. If I had a choice I would leave you in the dust and never speak to you again, you would be a memory I would constantly try to erase. Because I have noone else I have to do something I find unsavory, reconnect with you, make nice with you. I don’t want to, this year you proved that you aren’t true friends, you aren’t people who I can count on, friends that last a lifetime.

You are trash, even though you live in blissfull worlds disbelief. Seeing you smile makes me gag. I would never wish what you put me through on anyone else, but I would wish it on you all in second as long as I was not the perpetrator. The worste wounds inflicted are the ones you can’t see, the ones that don’t show on the outside, that don’t explain themselves. You inflicted those on me, and now you act like you were just a bystander, you’ll never man up, because you’re not a stand up person. You’re out for yourself and for things that make you all look like miss perfects, but you’re not, because in order to look perfect you have to crush people like me.

Amy, my therapist asked me, which of you I liked the most and for the first time I thought about it, and I don’t like any of you. To varying degrees I hate you all

a. the one that backhandedly steered everyone against me..that started this campaign months in advance.

b. the one that put all the fuel to the fire and really made things blow up

c. the one that didn’t have a problem with me, but took up other’s problems

d. the one who went along because villifying me made anything bad that happened between us my fault, part of my faulty character

e. the one that knew it was happening and that it was wrong and didn’t lift a finger, instead letting others think she agreed with them

f. the one who’d gone through what I went through but joined in for some catty fun.

I hate all of you, you’re despicable, a day doesn’t go by now where my heart doesn’t race, where I don’t relive things. I don’t trust people anymore. I don’t trust MYSELF anymore, even though the depression is gone. Anxiety lingers, the bigger problem wasn’t the depression it was the betrayal. I can explain the depression, and how it made me an easier target, I didn’t fight back and I let you lay it on thick, even when you KNEW how tough a thing I was going through.

To letter b in m list: You ripped the picture of us off the wall, you made me the reason why you wouldnt hang out with people. You dropped me when I needed you. You’re not a good person, you’re cold. I don’t ever want to be friends with you, but not being friends with you makes everything more difficult but more than anyone else I hate you. I hate you the most, more than I’ve ever hated anyone. You turned on me to make yourself feel better, and now I see I’m just one in a line of people you dropped cold, it’s your habit that suddenly  you can "never be friends with ____". You’re pathetic and juvenille. You don’t desereve the happy life you have, the people that care about you. You make me sick.

To letter a in my list: We were once best friends, and then we we’rent because you felt threatened by me, there are leaders, strong people in groups. I didn’t want that title but eventually you saw me as a threat and slowly poisned everyone against me. You lit the match and letter b poured gasoline on it. It’s your second nature to lie to get yourself out of situaitons that don’t make you look perfect. So you blame it on others, last year some things were blamed on me and this year they were blamed on others….suddenly people started to wonder if I really was the cause of all you said I was. You’ll never be caught, I see the bad side of you, but noone else ever will, and I will live with that. I can forgive you because I hurt you, and you hurt me. I understand that if you kick an aggressive dog, there’s a chance it will turn around and bite your hand off. I know how to approach you now, what I can count on you for(basically nothing) and what I can NEVER trust/ count on you for. Which is fine I guess you can’t trust everyone with everything, you just have to accept people. I know what I did and I can, in the future totally accept it. I halfway now.

Everyone else, all the other letters in my list, you don’t think you’re responsible but you ARE. You are just as guilty for not stopping things when the got as cruel as they did. You didn’t stand up for me, you didn’t save me, I saved myself by dropping out of school and getting away from all of you. I’m going to come back this fall, and hug you all and say how I’ve missed you but deep down its a lie, if I could never see you again would. I’m back this fall, I’m at least partially healed from what you did to me, but you’ll never be the same to me

….a very angry blog that I needed to try to get  out of my system