that book i ordered on dialectic behavioural therapy arrived in the post today, along with a letter from the psychology team at the hospital saying they\’re FINALLY processing my referral for a therapist, but it says when i make the appt, i may be asked to take lots of written questionnaires and then be put on a waiting list for 2-3 months??  so basically i\’ve spent 6 months on a waiting list to…get put on another waiting list.  *sigh* well, i suppose at least it\’s moving now…sort of.[br][br]anyway, yeah, so i\’ve got this workbook on how to defeat obsessional thoughts, and i\’ve got this new dbt workbook, and i\’ve already done a lot of cbt for the ocd before so it looks like mostly a more intensive version of things i\’ve done before and have been practising for years, so i\’ve decided i\’m going to work through that and the dbt book at the same time.[br][br]i\’m planning to work on them very soon.  i\’ve got the whole day/evening to myself today and i\’m going to put the time to good use, i figure.  part of me is really, really excited – i love self-assessing and thinking a lot about myself and my problems.  i\’m not afraid to face all these things inside me, honestly; i like examining, marvelling, trying to change, transform.  i\’m not saying it won\’t be hard work (it really is going to be, especially this dbt thing, i think), but yeah, i think it\’ll be fun, in a way.[br][br]on the other hand, i\’m sitting here blogging about it instead of doing it, because…yeah, it\’s going to be hard work.  i mean, even if it\’s fascinating, i know it\’s going to be intense, and i\’m just trying to clear my head a bit.  i\’m most intimidated by this whole mindfulness thing i keep reading about in adhd, autism and bpd books.  because…i feel scared i\’m just going to fail at it because i can\’t imagine being able to keep my mind still, especially when i can\’t even keep my eyes still for more than 2 seconds, from tics…but i\’m sure i\’m just doing the obsessive rumination thing and worrying about stuff that hasn\’t happened yet and may not even be true.[br][br]actually…i think i\’m going to do a bit of frivolous stuff for a little bit, just to get out the frantic energy and calm myself down so i can actually focus.  also, i\’m hungry.  it takes me ages to settle into things – i really need to make sure all other distractions are taken care of first thing, so i can just sit down and throw myself into these books.[br][br]it\’s 3.36 now.  definitely by 4.30 i\’m going to start this.  wish me luck 🙂

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