My mom keeps telling me that im unique. I dont feel it i just feel like shit all the time. I feel on the outside and no one understands me, i think about suicide all the time and i dont know what to do with myself. Im scared of everything, I want to hang out with people but Im so fucking far gone that i know that when I am with them I would just sit there and not interact. So its just better that i am alone but then i get lonely. Its such bull shit. Ijust want to die so that it will be all over with. I cant find anything that will help me. I am constanly on my own and i dont want to get to close to anyone becausse i know that i cant keep friends and that there is no point in having friends because of how i get and isolate myself. I even stop myself from having a good time or saying things funny anymore because I know taht even tho ill have fun at the moment thoes fucking moments will come back to haunt me later on. I see it too often. So im trying to just be soo quiet and not who i want to be, i dont even know who i am anymore. I hate everyfucking thinka bout me. I dont know how to feel better. I dont want to feel better because when im better i do stupid shit and when imdown those thigns like that start to haunt me. Its so fucking stupid. I just want to fucking die. NO one can fucking help me. Im tired of people telling me you jsut have to cahnge the way that you think. FUCK THEM fuck everyone. Im so fucking sick of this damn depression. stops my life i might as well just die. there is no fucking point to living like this. I WANT TO FUCING DIE! im not like anyone else and there is no one that understands me. old best friends dont get it. just goes to prove my point that people dont stand by you that there is no one that you can trust. NO ONE! FUck everyone!
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I understand about not wanting to hang out with anyone. Most people don”t want to just sit there with someone.
I understand what you mean about not being able to trust anybody. I”ve found the exact same problem. Following my last suicide attempt, somebody whom I thought was a close friend didn”t speak to me for two weeks. I was so drunk at the time that I don”t remember a thing about it, and I thought I must have done something to upset her.
So I kept asking if she was ok, because she wouldn”t talk to me. In the end I found out that the reason she wouldn”t talk to me was because she couldn”t deal with my issues. She had prioritised other people in her life above me. I didn”t warrant a text message or a phone call after I spent 10 hours in intensive care on life support.
I don”t believe we can ever trust another person completely, because eventually we all need to put ourselves first – and one day you won”t make the top of somebody elses list.
But that only leaves you two options. Trust nobody – because you can”t. Or trust everybody – because you know most of them won”t understand what you are trying to say anyway.
Trusting nobody doesn”t sound healthy to me, so I”ve decided to be open with people even when I know they probably couldn”t give a toss. I know it sucks when you don”t know if people really care about you, or understand you. I have a hard time trusting myself as well and it”s taken a long time for me to be able to sleep in my own bed at night without freaking out and running off somewhere in the middle of the night.
But slowly I”ve discovered that it”s ok to feel alone, because I am alone. It doesn”t make the pain go away, but at least I know it”s normal.
You are normal. It”s everybody else that doesn”t understand what it means to have nobody to trust.