I had all the words for this blog over the weekend when I felt bad and just didn't see my self improving. Had a stressful weekend but nothing major (someone else would handle it fine) but I got stressed out as I wanted to get to places exactly on time and do things good and in order but the more I tried and stressed over things the more I got irrigated and eventually I was angry and as usual I was taking it out on my poor children and my niece as I brought the shopping and they were winging in the car and arguing and being ungrateful about the things I bought them, wanting more things and hardly saying thanks. I don't know if I'm imagining all this and maybe I'm the problem here and I probably am the biggest problem as my partner deals with the kids much better and he is firmer with them and they're use to him like that since they were born. I have always spiled them a little and always dealt with they're misbehaving in my own way and that's by giving out and eventually shouting and even smacking their bums and I'd feel such guilt after that it would make me depressed. I just don't like to be angry and I love when I'm not angry and can think clearly but too much stress makes me snap so easily and very down so then I just cry and feel guilty and scared and sorry for my self. My thoughts don't help either, they're causing my anger the most but because it's nothing I can attack with as it attacks me back more so I take it out on my family and not sure what this is, is it depression or just a lot of stress mixed with OCD. I do feel truly crazy sometimes and very scared that I'll totally lose it. I admit my feelings tough and openly talk to my partner about them but I get scared of that too thinking that if I was really scared of somthing I wouldn't be talking about it so much. It did take me a while to tell anyone in my family how I felt at first and now I tend to talk about it a lot. Sorry for not making much sense here but I just had to write it down. I do feel better today and more positive.