Hey Irishgal, Don't feel guilty about resenting everyone else's spirits. Sometimes that can drive us. Yeah, I wish you could be in a 30 day inpatient center, but there are good and bad things about it too. In one way you are totally insulated from "real life" and can't really concentrate on anything but THE PROGRAM, but there can be some pretty  big aftershocks when you get out. Where you're going now you will meet people who I assume live somewhere near you and you will find some who you don't wish to know further on and others that you will. You will find a true and honest friend I bet. And you won't go through what we used to call the pink cloud. That was the joyous feeling that some of us came out of treatment with thinking that we had it all figured out, were going  back to wherever and starting this wonderful new life.

It doesn't always work that way. When I was confronted with the daily world, without all of that great support and warm hugs and people to share feelings with immediately, it sucked the air out of me. And I did relapse. The second time, I knew what I was getting into and went in to learn how to survive my addiction by learning more about me. Since my husband was still drinking, didn't like me going to meetings, first because of the long drive, second because he wasn't part of it, and third because he's a jealous kinda guy, I don't think I could have done it any other way. 

But after 14 years of sobriety, and 2 months of non abusive rx use, I feel better than I did when I was on the pink cloud. Because this is real. It comes from inside of me, and I thank God several times a day for it. 

I have been through some pretty bad stuff. Family members murdered, cancered, run over, die in surgery, die in the river, and die and die, fought cancer, had 23 different surgeries, leg paralysis, had a newborn and a 2 year old for my 40th birthday, lived with a raging alcoholic for 30 years, lost everything we own to the tune of 3.5 million to my father in law and lawyers, etc., etc., and you know what? I am still happier than I have ever been. Not ha ha happy, but more of an it's ok happy, I can deal with this. I live to wake up clean and sober, feed my animals, have a cup of coffee and watch Crossing Jordan while starting a nice warm fire. I watch the sunrise over the levee, get ready for my husband to wake up with all of the negative emotions and depression that he's going through, pick up the house a little and head to the garage where I am selling everything we own. And it's ok. I don't know why, I don't know what will happen next, and nothing much surprises me anymore but it's ok. And ok is…..well, OK! And you're…ok. You're right where you should be today and that's ok! OK?OK?OK?

Peace and Love, OK?

Demi