Is Therapy Working?

So it’s been about two months now with my new therapist. This time I wanted to talk to a woman because I was hoping that she would understand all of the feelings that drive my desire to be a woman. Once again the focus seems to be centered around discovering what might have happened in my youth. I know for a fact that my gender issues were formed from a very early time in my life. Possibly before I even understood the difference between a man and a woman, so I don’t think there is any question about my feelings on that subject. I still have problems with gender dysphoria but I have been dealing with that all my life. She is pressuring me to come out to my family and friends but so far that hasn’t happened. I know there is no going back and there will be a lot of misunderstanding so I keep puting it off.

Yes, I am so, so afraid of actually coming out for all the usual reasons. But I can’t explain so many things right now and I know that won’t help answer any questions when i get asked. I know where my family will go with my news; “So does this mean that you are gay? Do you want to have sex with men? Can you really deal with reassignment surgery?” And I don’t have any of these answers. Oh and then the question my therapist keeps asking, “Are you sure you weren’t sexually molested as a child?” No, No and I don’t know. Today we talked about a childhood friend who was the first person I ever had any kind of sexual experience with. It was mutual masturbation that went on often and for a very long time. It seemed OK because we always talked about girls and the things we wanted to do with them. Then one time we were playing in the woods and he asked me if I wanted to feel what it is like to have someone’s mouth down there. I remember being very hesitant but eventually let him do it to me. Then of course he wanted me to return the favor. I was even more hesitant and I’m sure he gave me a lot of guilt for not reciprocating. As I remember it, I never did return the favor but my therapist thinks I did and have repressed it. Years later, I was in a similar situation, then old enough to understand what was going on and my memory records it the same way. I would receive but not give. This situation happened a couple of more times over a lot of years always the same senario.

Now during these times, I often had a girlfriend. Sometimes I had multiple girlfriends. Some of the time (OK, a lot of the time), I was alone. Sex with women was always on my mind and I spent most of my energy trying to get laid. I was very lucky and had a lot of fun times without any regrets. I am deeply attracted to women and love pleasing them and letting them please me. No issues about any of that at all. As long as I can remember, and still today, I don’t feel that same type of attraction to a man. In fact when I am in a situation where there are gay men to meet, I get depressed and feel a dark cloud over my life. Not for any specific reason that I can think of but it is just there. I mention that dark cloud thing because it just happened again. I was at a club and there were a group of gay men haning out together. They were obvious but not doing anything outregious. I was watching them and trying to see if I could feel any attractionto any of them. They were all handsome, in great athletic shape and dressed well. I tried to imagine being with them, in the group and then going home with one or more of them but I just couldn’t get excited about it. I felt the darkness cloud coming over me and I had to leave. Then as soon as I got home I dressed up like a total slut and dreamed about doing all kinds of sexual things to a man. Not any specific man, just a man. I was extreemely excited because I was dressed up like a cheap teenage girl and feeling very feminine. How could everything change so quickly just because of what I was wearing? This is what I wanted to talk to my therapist about but apparently my possible molestation is more important. This all confuses the shit out of me.