I can just feel it… Tonight is going to be one of the nights I can't sleep. Every shadow is hiding something, someones bound to break into my house. I'll have the knife underneath the couch cushion (where I sleep so I have escape routes at all times and waysto save my family instead of being trapped at the back of the house.) The tv on loud enough I dont wake anyone up but that I can drown out noises. I'll be waking up every hour or so and staying up for at least half an hour each time I do trying to let american dad, family guy, or some other cartoon I've seen hundreds of times lull me back to sleep. And every time I'm just about to get to sleep some tiny little noise or thought will wake me back up again and the torture will start all over.

I don't know what to call it. Is it paranoia? Insomnia? Its especially bad at night. Though just a few weeks ago I went to see Warm Bodies in theatre someone popped their water bottle cap off and it made a popping sound which reminded me of a gun so i spent arpund 15-20 minutes forcing myself not to turn around and look all over to make sure no one looked suspicious and to just concentrate on the movie, all while eyeing the exits and thinking of how I would get out of here since the shooter would have to be behind me. So I'm guessing paranoia?

Sometimes it doesnt bother me at all. Sometimes I see bad events that could happen every step I take. But always at night it will kick in a little. I'm always worried someone will break in, kill me and my family, steal our stuff (I'd always rather this happen than anyone cause harm but then I get paranoid I'll wake up and they'll see me and kill me) or a number of other things. And I don't live in a high crime neighborhood. I live 5 minutes outside a very small town the most crimes committed are speeding and noise complaints. So its not like breaking and entering, or murdering is even common in my area. The town I live 15 minutes from is just a bunch of rednecks and so its just stupid stuff that they get arrested for, also lots of drugs but no murders no B&E's.

I don't know what causes this. Or how to fix it. But I just know somehow that tonight is going to be one of my worse nights where I wont be sleeping very well at all but I'll be too afraid to be awake as well. I don't know what I'm going to do. I hate these nights and it all seems so hopeless I just want to cry at the thought of what's going to start in the next hour or so…


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