I just might be a bit more than anxious because I have tried to sleep knowing my mother is up to one of her "Tricks" again. Today is her birthday and My younger brother and I had a plan to take her to the Big Apple for the day, and she decided the day before to see if she could play us against each other which almost worked, but he called me for a change instead of just going with whatever she said.

I was going to call him too because she told me it was him, but she also told me that she did not take the day off from work … I do not get that because we have had this planned for a month now … and she has known about it all along.

I am the one on the bottom of the pole per say financially .. I have a disability and I only work part-time to fill in the difference. I cannot rely on my husband’s income to help with house hold expenses .. minus some geroceries because he has his own things to deal with from before we were married, So I shoulder a lot of the financial burden … I don’t mind a lot of the time because it is something that has to be done, but when I have plans to do something and the financial end does not come together … I get upset.

I told my brother about the financial issue of going and said I did not have to go, but I did not want for his part of the plans with our mother to be ruined on my account. He told me not to worry about the financial part … He would handle it .. He wanted me to come to .. and he was not going to go unless I went to.

From talking with my brother she tired to tell him it was my fault she would not be going because I did not have the money to go, and she told me that he had been driving all day and was tried and he would not get enough sleep to go.

He proceeded to tell me that what he told me last weekend when I was down visiting him for my nephew’s football game that he was going to get everything done he needed to do so that he could have Friday off for our trip. He also told me it was done.

So we came to the conclusion that she is trying to snowball us again … Which is something she has done to us both on and off for our entire lives. I cried all the way home from work last night … not an easy task when you are already suffering from a Migrane you had all day.

I guess it all boils down to .. Why can’t she just be honest with us. We are both adults now .. The lying does not do any good, it just causes anger and pain. I am not sure if it causes resentment in my brother, but it does for me. I tend to get so mad at her that when she does try to talk to me before I can work threw the disappointment .. and the lack of sleep I get from the heartbreak … I just snap at her … or I avoid her.

I thought that by now she would have grown out of the need to lie to me, but appearently … old habits die hard. I just was so excited about actually getting to spend time with my mother and my brother alone … We have not done this since we were small children, and I think that is the biggest pain for me.

I see my mother 4 days a week, and that is only because we work in the same place. I think if it were not for that … I would never see her … unless I made all the effort. She is the only immediate member of my family I have had on a pretty consistant basis in my life. My father has never been there, and the father she hired for the job … sucked at it … He just did things no child should have to live with.

I am just trying to get to know my brother again. My father on paper is also someone I am trying to get to know again. He was taken out of my life for 15 years because of the things he did to me. I landed in a foster home in my teen years. I am only trying this for my brother’s sake. I almost wish I would have left him out of my life … because the skeletons that got dragged out of that closet when I opened the door … caused some serious Post Tramatic Stress Disorder symtoms to re-appear.

I am at it again bounching all over the place. I think yesterdays events caused another crash to the bottom for the line of the depression, I hate feeling that way. I feel like I am an ant on the gound and I am looking up .. Just to see someone’s giant foot coming down to end my life.

I find that I write more when I am Sad, Angry, Anxious, or just plain Mad. I also jump around more in my thoughts. I am not sure if this is a good thing, but at least it makes me open up and get them out on some level, because otherwise … they just might eat me alive.