I know what Keys means about not feeling real (I just read her last blog). When I’m manic, that’s what it’s like for me. It doesn’t seem like my life – it seems like a dream, and I can’t fully conceptualize any of it, or really understand the consequences to my actions (in the most basic sense I can, but none of it sinks in, or feels real. Then, I hit the wall at some point, and I feel EVERYTHING. Pain, pain, and more pain… guilt, guilt, and more guilt…. and, I fantasize about ways that things could work out for me, and for us – usually really hyper fantastic stuff that involves dead friends of mine actually being alive somehow – I used to spend a lot of time daydreaming about the people I’ve lost over the years, but I’ve been trying to stop myself from doing that. Lately, I’ve been trying not to talk about them (my old friends). I know I spend to much time fixating on that part of my past, but I lost so much, and I loved those people so dearly. The fact that they aren’t in the world anymore… sometimes, it’s more than I can stand, and it’s like… if I talk about them, and tell stories about them… they’re still there, you know? In some way… but, I dwell too much in that space. It’s escapism. I retreat into my creative ability, and cook up fantasies about having them back, or being back there, and I know if I talk about any of this, Charlie will just think I’m crazier than he already does. I guess, crafting stories is someting I know how to do, so I used it to comfort myself. Charlie has no understanding of this. Just thinks I’m unbalanced… and, I am, but… these people meant so much to me, and now I feel like I’m not supposed to talk about them, b/c he’ll think I’m feeding into my tendency to retreat into the stories in my head. Which I understand, but they were a real part of my life, and I can’t shut all that off, just b/c there’s also this fantasy world that I’ve spent too much time basking in. Sometimes, I think he questions everything I say and do, but I’m probably being paranoid. But, it’s hard to say b/c he claimed to trust me, when he didn’t, and he claimed to think I was sane, in control, and making sense – which he knew I wasn’t. Wow… I’m on some kind of cathartic jag today. I need to take a break. Drink some tea, or something. I’m so fucking nuts. I know Charlie as well as anyone ever has, and I always thought Charlie knew me better than anyone, and that still might be true, but "better than anyone" doesn’t necessarily say much. So few people really get each other, and no one ever completely understands anyone else. It’s like that beautiful Elliot Smith Song Walt #2.
"I’m never gonna know you now, but I’m gonna love you, anyhow." That sounds about right.
Maybe, the mess is just too tangled to ever sort out. Maybe, I’m too tangled up to ever sort out. But, so far, I’ve had this animal drive to press on that hasn’t allowed me to quit, even when I wanted to, but… I feel the bottom approaching, and if I can’t keep from hitting it… I don’t know. I’m not done fighting yet, but… I don’t know what’s gonna happen either. One minute, I’m convinced that there’s hope for my marriage, and that I can turn everything around, and then I think… maybe, I’m too broken and messed up to ever get it right. Even when I’ve been happy, I didn’t exactly have a stable, functional life. Charlie’s watching the most depressing episode of DS9, and I want to put my head through the TV. Does he ever think about how I feel, when we watch this stuff? We rewatch the same episodes, all the time, and this one’s really depressing. But, if I ask him to turn it off, he’ll sulk, because now he’s all into it. I can’t even leave to get away – it’s ugly outside (cold rain) and I have no particular place to go.
I have no idea what’s gonna happen. Maybe, this is exhaustion talking, or I’m just discouraged because I’m really struggling to get this kick going. I’ve been doing less, bt I haven’t been able to factor the worst of my habits out of my life yet. I feel like I’m getting closer, if that makes any sense, but I have to get it soon, or it won’t do me nearly as much good in the short term. I could lose whatever I have left. And, I definitely don’t want that. I also think (and this may seem like a silly concern) that my problems with Charlie could get better if we kick. Not just b/c we would start taking care of ourselves, and our lives, again, but also b/c, I think his sex drive would come back. That tends to happen, with this stuff, onc it’s out of your system. I never lost my sex drive, b/c my crazy sex drive can’t be killed, but Charlie’s lack of drive has been a huge source of trouble for us. Sex is important in a relationship, and it’s more important to me than most. And,he’s been disinterested for years. I want him to want me, again. He used to insist that he still did, but he never seemed to. I know it’s the depression, and the drugs, but his long-standing suspicion may have played a role in our lackluster sex life, too. And, if he’d confronted me, back when, it never would’ve been more than a suspicion. But, he waited for months and months, until it finally happened. And, then,. he caught me on that damn recording. Whatever… I’ve bitched enough for now. Catch ya later.