I’m lost. Again. It seems as though every time I manage to pick myself up and try to lead some sort of normal existence I can only hold the facade for a short length of time…this time only a few months.

I thought I could go back to the world that I belonged to before the illness struck like lightning, thought I could regain my "normal" self through effort and hard work. But it appears that whoever that young woman was~ in her early twenties and full of hopes and ideals~ is gone forever, a mirage at best, a taunt at worst.

Now my life has again returned to psychiatrists handout out meds and counselors dissecting my memories and thought processes in hopes to "cure" me. After so much time in hell, I don’t think I believe a "cure" of any sort exists for someone like me~ I’m just too far gone.

I was forced to resign my teaching position last month due to "excessive absences"~ I was out for 4 days with SHINGLES (because of the stress from the situation at work) and a couple of days because my son was sick. The whole thing angered me and broke my heart at the same time- I had no books or materials to teach from, so I had to buy my own to be able to teach the classes, I had no budget to spend on necessities, no support from administration, and no guidance whatsoever regarding what was expected of me academically or otherwise. When I tried to schedule a meeting with administration, I was blown off more times than I could count. What was I supposed to do?

I can only pray that not all charter schools are similar in the fashion that they are run. It should be illegal. And for those of you thinking of sending your child to a charter school; PLEASE do some serious research on it beforehand. Ask about the stability of the scheduling, of the teacher-to-student ratios, of the turnover rate for teachers and students. Contact people who have students that have attended that specific school, and try to objectively hear them out.

So again I’m unemployed and have allowed the stress to take a severe emotional toll. But I guess in a way its a good thing~ losing my position was a large part of what led me to go back and seek more help and a second diagnosis from a different doctor.

Maybe the medications will help me and the counseling as well. I just feel as if I’ve been doing this dance for too many years and have lost all faith in psychiatry and psychology to alleviate my problems or truly help me.

I need to go to bed. Tomorrow will be better I hope. I feel like nothing but a complete burden to my family financially, emotionally and a hazard to their quality of life.

My husband is asking me to come lie down. I guess I’ll acquiesce to make him feel decent.