i hate school because im all alone. at school my eyes start to water up when i think about how alone i am but then i suck it back up because i cant let anyone see, right? i faked sick this morning i tried to make myself throw up but couldnt but i was able to fool my sister. she told me to go back to bed. my mom, its like shes not content unless someone around her feel like shit. so last night i go and take my 2 dogs for a walk wich is one of my escapes in my trapped world. it was rainning and i just wanted to get away, theres really no place for me to go. i try to walk as long and as far as i can. i like woodsy areas, i dont know why but theres just something about them that just gets me. so im trying to look for some nice isolated woods last night and find this park. its a modern park nothing special. but at night in the rain, and it had this open space with a little lake and a small open kind of forest/woods, not sure, it was beautiful. so i stay there for a little and then i feel this strange kind of like hopeful feeling, like im not alone. then i start thinking that when i walk the dogs i can come to this park, sort of like a safe haven. then this morning my mom wakes up bitching. what the fuck, does she dream about how to fuck my life up even more. she starts complaing about how she never thinks that my sister and i clean good enough and how its always a mess when it might just be a small mess. and i clean like everyday and my sister cooks everyday. my mom has this saying, "mommy makes the money and you guys take care of the house" what the fuck right. so then since im staying home i have to clean. i go out with the dogs to get the windex frome the car then come back, then when i come back shes ready to pick a fight. i give some "smart ass" answer then leave for the dogs walk and in long need for my new safe haven. while walking im just so excited to get there and to my good fortune wich i havnt had any of in a while, the park is empty like last night. i walk for a little feeling just a tiny bit free from my prison like life. im loving it, but then, thats right, she comes along, my mother. then she starts bitching that i was out too long, i thought she had left so i wasnt worried about being out too long, but no. see i cant even go out for too long, god shes so controlling. have i told you guys that she said that im not allowed to go out or have a boyfriend until im 15 and that when i turn 16 im not allowed to get a job because i might quote, "like money too much and get out of school." first of all im not stupid, i need the education so that i can go to a collage and get a job as far away from the shitty people im surrounded by. Duh! so now im just like, i dont know what im like right now. my safe haven is no longer and i want to be left alone or go away. but where to go. im broke and i need a place to sleep right? i cant go to my shitty good for nothing father, dont even know where he lives. and my aunts, well theyre shitty like everyone else in my life. my dad pays $78.13 for child support and does nothing else for me, seriously nothing else, i havnt seen him in like 2 years, im in 8th grade and he thought i was in 5th. that dumb shit. i have a shit family and 0 friends, my moms made me a social loser with all her rules, im a good person, i am. if any of you were to see me now id say hi and put on a happy face, but thats just it, im tired if acting like im fine, and i have to say people really think im fine so i must be a good actress. but i just want to be left alone and talk to someone to help me through this, someone i dont have to look in the face. its easier, like what im doing now. so i guess thats it for now.
thanks for those whi read and reached out to me