Someone thinks I have a saviour complex.
That may be true… it touches a nerve so it probably is true.
I played white knight with my ex-wife… that turned out so well (lol).
I've helped my adult children out financially a bit, but I guess it's not the amount I helped them with; it's that I sacrificed my own financial situation to do so. When my time to sleep is at a premium I'll still say to a friend 'not a problem, you didn't wake me, I'll be right over to give you a hand', at the same time resenting them for never thinking about my situation… it's kind of ridiculous… it's me myself that is the problem more than any friend or family member. I put myself out to offer to help others at my own expense, sometimes great expense.
And it's almost always to help. Not to hang out, not to enjoy their company, but to help, to do something for them. Part of that is that I don't value my own worth, can't see what I bring to the table as a 'friend'. And I certainly don't know what to do in social settings.
So, I buy the people I care about, with my money or my time or my actions thinking that that is what keeps them close. And it has to be of some sacrifice on my part… the more the sacrifice, the better.
I know my kids and my family love me. But I don't know why they do. My self esteem is a bit of a joke… that is a root of my problems.
So, guess I gotta work at that certain root of the problem (yet again) – I have to understand the value of me (feel it inside). At the same time I have to work on (ie learn and PRACTICE) my social skills. Those things together will hopefully let me know on a deep and a practical level that I can have a social life and more importantly, full relationships with family and friends.
Any of this make any sense to anyone out in the vast and complex world of Depressiontribe? Should I get booted off the island? (okay … to anyone that missed my oblique reference…depressiontribe – tribal council (TV show Survivor) – extinguish your torch and get the hell off the island 🙂
Is it normal to 'buy' love from everyone when you think you aren't worth the time? Are social skills important in boosting your confidence? Does the new Tide get your whites whiter and remove blood stains with a detergenty zeal?
Peace peeps.
Ciao
Unfortunately I understand this too well, and it makes sense to me. I have a tendency to do the same thing- to buy things for everyone and try to take care of everyone else's problems besides my own, then feel crappy when they aren't there for me. I think one of the things we need to do is stop making other's problems a personal priority over our own lives, which is more difficult to say than do when you are used to it. Anyway, just wanted to say I get it, and good luck.
-T
I can so relate to your blog.
I have flashback type memories of people who have used and abused me and unhealthy "helping" situations I allowed myself to be present at many years, some even decades ago.
Having always been the available one, the peacemaker and the one who coped in difficult circumstances seemed to signal to the people in my life that they didn't need to help me out one little bit when I started to fall apart. Not only that they kept on taking from me as well.
I am currently grappling with the realisation that my child's father has no more than a mercenary interest in our child (his oldest, my only) and probably only came back into her life after 10 years overseas to see what he could get.
After listening to my story my first (and still favourite) psychiatrist told me to never ever expect gratitude from anyone for anything. And then he taught me how to say "Thanks but no thanks" and "That doesn't suit me". The most important thing in boosting your confidence (I think) is to truly value yourself 🙂 Easier said than done I know.
and another perspective, what personality type are you? look em up
I am sanguine and thrive on helping others. My house may be falling apart but this is where i get my jollies, it makes me feel good.
That being said, I also have some strong boundaries put up where i won't put myself in financial straights for anyone else, usually that isn't a help but a hinderance for them. I will if i can, but if i can't i won't.
Have you ever read the book boundaries? it is pretty good and addresses the issues of letting people take advantage of you.