Hokay so time to type 100 times or so must not start blogs only to abandon them after a day or 3 ……. somewhere (my own inner fantasy no doubt!) there may be a poor disracted soul bereft of any worthy passtime who is just desperate to find out what yours truly is doing………uh yeah right!
So what is/ has yours T been up to since the last abortive attempt to bring some semblance of order to the muddle of thoughts musings and… ahem happenings that occur in said YT\’s Brain/life?
Well lets see 1) Doing appallingly badly at exams and thus having to renact the whole 1st year at uni debarcle- Due in Part to the quite manic Escalation of the "skinnyrexia" and part due to the anxiety induced flare up of OCD "quirks" – the upshot of which was I didn\’t actually manage to completely finish a single exam! there was also the interesting phenomena of "blanking out" and actually losing time in a few of the darn thangs too! still at least they havn\’t barred the doors and told me to never cross thier path again!
Let that be a cautionary tale tho\’ kids– Chemistry degrees cannot be passed on veg alone!!! (well not at an average of 300 "negative" Cals per day) especially if the days that you have lectures and labs encompass a 10 hour day!
2) It\’s official!- after all the proddings and pokings (both physical and psychological!) It has been confirmed that I am indeed a ("chronic") \’skinnyrexic\’ ("purging-subtype") however due to an unfornate inability on the part of the (albeit very lovely) Dr Lady who assesed me, to calculate BMI properly I have now been downgraded from "severe" to "moderate" (yes folks they really do catergorise you in that way!)
(emaciated!) Hands up anyone who can understand the huge sense of disapointment/ failure that came with the loss of that 1 BMI point? Which has in turn lead to my current entrenchment in the most hideous Binge/Purge cycle I\’ve ever had the misfortune to experience- the subsequent increase in the numbers on the scale have left me in a place where I\’m crawling out my skin, feeling about the size of a small heifer……..farm! and have thus entitled myself the worst skinnyrexic ever-
yes despite the fact that I now have Osteoperosis, osteopenia and have lost inches (that being a short-a**e as I am/was couldn\’t afford to lose) in height, despite the fact that I have had no regular \’girly\’ activity for nigh on 2 years, depite the fact that I have been (or would if I had any left!) freezing my T*ts off all year, despite even the appearance of my "nice glossy Fur" I am feeling miffed cheated and unworthy because I have not acheived the Hallowed Moniker of Severe Anorexic……. Pathetic!
-this is my cue as so many before me have done to beg all of you out there who are just on the edges of an ED to PLEASE GET HELP NOW!!! Seriously kids-23 years I\’ve been fighting this one and it\’s only now that I\’m anywhere near to (considering/trying to?) deal with it. I know the chances are that if Ana/Mia/ the be-otches from hell/ whatever you want to call them have their surprisingly strong skeletal grip on you you\’re unlikely to pay my plea much mind, however a cautionary tale for you-
for years and years I have bemoaned the fact that I am very short, that in fact I have not grown since I was ooh about 12 years old in fact- I personally have blamed the parents! However having done some extensive (obsessive!) research it transpires that Eating disorders (particularly involving restriction) during the early Adolescent years (apparently girls have a "final" growth spurt between 12-18) can actually stunt (or indeed halt entirely!) your growth.
Now… my first serious "issues" with eating kicked off when I was ooh lets see 11/12 and continued (in earnest) until I was about 19/20, my height (according to the psuedo scientific calculation of a childs height at is it 2 or 3?) Should have been around the 5\’ 4" mark (ok not tall but respectable!) – I never reached 5\’ and have now shrunk significantly below this (to the poiint that I could now officially claim Midget status)….well you do the the math and I\’ll say no more on the subject!
Uni is starting up again and of course I\’m full of good intentions I\’m gonna work harder study longer get more involved with stoodent life maybe even socialise ocasionally! (I even went to a community volunteering meeting today!) of course the f*****d up part of me that cares not at all for this academia and is only interested in the pursuit of (extreme) thiness is steadfastly directing my attention in that direction-and I\’ve got to admit I can\’t see the \’buzzing\’ subsiding untill I\’ve at least complied with the "shedding a few pounds" part of \’her\’ \’remit\’.
Ho Hum D****ed if you dont Da***d if you do …… Thus my Mantra for the forseeable is "must try Harder" and let the gods decide on which path the sword (effort) falls.
so as a very clever pig once said "Thh Thh Thats all folks" or at least it for now, take care, keep safe stay strong.
and don\’t try this at home!