I often wonder how I would have turned out if I didn't have this disease.  There was a Twilight Zone episode once where a man was haunted by the ghost of a Vietnam war vet.  One day he confronted the ghost and realized that the ghost was his own.  In another life, in a parallel world, he didn't dodge the draft.  He went to Vietnam and fought, and died.  The ghost was the manifestation of choices not made, and their results.

If I were to meet the other me, the one that didn't have OCD, didn't become an alcoholic, didn't have the pain I do, what would would he be like?  Would I even like him?

I have often heard it said that people are thankful for their OCD because it woke them up to be sensitive to the feelings of others and to cherish simple things and good days.  I am not so sure I buy that.  I mean, we all look for meaning and value in suffering, it's absolutely normal and it's a coping mechanism.

I saw a fantastic documentary on PBS about homosexuality and how people deal with it in society.  A well-known activist said that every day he hears people say how they are proud to be gay, like that they are gay, enjoy their life, etc.  He said that he has never met a single gay man (he did specify men) who, no matter how proud and happy he was, wouldn't want to be born straight if they had the chance to do it all again.  We can bolster ourselves in times of misery all that we want, but in the end, we know otherwise. 

Has OCD made me more sensitive and a better person at heart?  Perhaps.  But I would switch lives with the other me, the one that didn't suffer, any day. 

1 Comment
  1. ofmindstate 13 years ago

    This is an interesting blog to me because I have wondered the same thing. I also have the insight of not suffering from OCD for the first 22 years of my life. One of my stronger obsessions is trying to somehow mystically go back to those years. Sometimes people with OCD try to find the silver lining of OCD. For me it is what you stated about being sensitive to others feelings. I was very rigid in my opinions before OCD. I am much more accepting and patient with others now. I liked confrontations before now, I prefer peace and harmony. Would I go back to the way I felt before OCD? I would do it this very minute. Sometimes I fantasize that this is a nightmare that and I will wake up from like in a Twilght Zone episode.



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