Hello everybody,

My name is Brian, I'm a 30 year old guy from eastern Kentucky in the Appalachian mountians of the southeastern United States.

I saw an add for this site on myspace and just signed up. I've had OCD for a long time, apparently I was born with it. I kept it secret for a long time and came out about my neurosis about a year ago.

My condition is mostly obessional, but I have a few compulsive behaviors as well. For most of my life I've had what they call harm obessions or morbid obessions, where you get disturbing mental images of people being harmed or injured in some way and can't shake the thought regardless of what you try.

In my case the obessions seem to be tied into the sex drive, the victims are always girls I find attractive, either physically or sexually.

These obessive images take the form of the girl being tortured in some way, floggings, brandings, crucifixtions, etc. Flogging being by far the most common. It was extremely disturbing when I was younger, but over the years I've gradually learned to cope with it by realizing that they are just the imaginary products of a nuerotic mind. They're not real and do not reflect a deep desire to harm people.

I always felt that deep down I was evil. a normal friendly guy on the outside, but covering an evil sadistic personality deep inside.

Today, I'm starting to understand that this is not the case. I was a victim of sexual and physical abuse when I was little, (at the hands of a woman) and the as far as I can tell the obsessions are just a kind of defensive mechanism, a method for the obessive-compulsive mind to deal with trauma.

The main problem I have now is that I feel completely alone, I've met several other obessive-compulsives with harm obessions, but either none of them have or are willing to admit a case of morbid OCD tied to sexual drive. I would like to think this is because nobody is willing to admit having that condition, but most of the time it feels like I'm the only man on earth who ever suffered from that variety. It makes me feel like an alien and an outcast, completely different from anything this world ever created.

That's a little about me and my OCD history, I look forward to meeting and talking to people on the site.    

1 Comment
  1. OCDKara 14 years ago

    Welcome, glad you found the site.

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