wow did I have a week. I have not been online here for a while now, but I though I could use it now more than ever.

Friday I had, you could say a mental breakdown…it was a long time comming just building up…and the loss of my job just sort of set me off. I have been diagnosed with anxiety disorder since about 5th grade, and just in the last few years diagnosed with bipolar depression. Thankfully I have very supportive family I can go to when I feel out of control. I went straight to my aunts house to talk…by the time I had gotten there I had calmed down a bit. I got to the door and my uncle opened it saying "Haveing a bad day shanny?" and at that I just broke down…my uncle isnt the nice lets talk about our feelings type.

I havnt talked to my aunt about this stuff before so I'm sure I kind of frieghtened her, but I had to be honest…I have been having suicidal thoughts, no plans on acting on it but I had the thoughts…So she called my mother at work to have her come over. That part is what scared me the most…telling this all to my mom. I didnt want to dissappoint her and she still didnt know here I had lost my job.

She got there and after lots more crying, explaining how I felt, and a whole lot of emotional crap I told her I was having thoughts of death. We called the doctor to see what they reccomended and they said to take me to the er and they would take me to a ward…that did not seem right to me, so a lucky look up in the phone book we found a crisis center nearby that sends out a team of people in a crisis to evaluate and help decide what the next step is for you.

They were two of the most kindest girls, and I wish I could tell them how much just that has touched me. They have already set me up with a counselor I will be seeing for the first time tomorrow, and hopefully seeing a psyciatrist too. As well as some support groups.

Right now in my life I need to focus on becomming better before anything else. I have been struggling with it my entire life and it only seems to be getting worse, I am obviously doing something wrong.

After all of this chaos I am extremely hopeful, glad I will finally be getting help. And I realize this is going to be something I will probably deal with the rest of my life. But I can hopefully make it easier with tools I can use to cope with my symptoms.