I have many times thought of sharing my stories, I have been in violent relationships, lost custody of my gorgeous son and hurt my family so much.

I had my son in may 2002 at the age of 19, his dad, my partner of 2 and a half years left the night i went into labor.  When my son was 2 I began a relationship with an old school friend 4 years younger than me. He was quite happy to play a fatherly  role in my sons life and I thought I had found my perfect man and would become a happy little family. I ended up suffering years of abuse both physically and mentally. Eventually when my son was nearly 8 after another episode of physical abuse I was given the choice my family or him, my parents had, had enough. So even though I was scared and heart broken i decided to split up with my partner. It would see my house burn down within two weeks, though the police were never able to prove anything, by now it had taken it’s toll on me and my young son. We were lucky to have great support from people in that street and even complete strangers as the department of public housing was amazingly enough able to rehome us in the same street.

By now I had started using alcohol to numb my pain and help me sleep, sexually assulted on more than one occasion and nothing being able to be done about it because of my drinking saw me spiral further out of control. Just before my son turned 9 I lost custody of my son after a violent incident between two mates who were visiting my home.

After I lost my son alcohol became my best friend, numbing my pain and wanting to block out my past and who I had become. I felt worthless and a failure, I had lost the greatest achivement, my precious baby boy and even though I knew how lucky i was being taken in by my parents it didn’t stop the pain, even the simple things like putting him to bed I realized I had taken forgranted. A few months later I lost a close mate who sadly left behind 5 kids under 10, she was a great mum and friend but her death was a big kick in the gut, I couldn’t understand why someone so young and a beautiful mum could have her life snatched away. The amount of times I sat and thought why not take a failure like me, why someone like her. Years moved on and I continued my path of distruction, little did I know those words would come to haunt me, haunt my family and set them on a journey no family deserves.

In early june i vomited blood one night while living in Yarrawonga, at the time period I had a job which saw me on the road and away from my home and partner. I still was drinking and also using over the counter pain relief, relying on codien and alcohol after I injured my back. The following morning my partner took me to the local hospital who transferred me to wangarrata hospital. They found an ulcer in my stomach but after a few days and no more signs of blood I was sent home.

Things between my partner and I were already rocky so not even a week later of getting out of hospital I returmed to my home town and stayed with my boss’s son. .

A few days later I celebrated my 33rd birthday, Just over two weeks after my son had turned 13.

A few days later I was meant to go to Brisbane for work, normally feeling unwell I would still go to work but this time I felt so tired and sick i couldn’t even think about going, so that night even though I felt under the weather I had a few drink’s with my boss’s elder son’s, nothing big as the eldest had his two kids and partner.

As I sat talking to ????? and playing with the young one’s,  the boys having a laugh I once again pulled out my quick-eze, they had been my best friend for the last few months.

As the night came to an end both me and ???????? were asked back to stay at his brothers and with only one spare seat i decided to remain behind, besides I was looking forward to bed, I felt terrible and had shocking heartburn.

In the early hours of june 20th I woke up in pain and began vomiting blood again, I grabbed the new cleaning bucket and put it beside my bed after that things became a blur. I remember hearing my mobile ringing on and off but everything felt foggy, almost like a dream, I would roll over to be sick have a small sip of water and go back to sleep, not even aware if it was day or night, just nothing but pain, sleep and being sick. Little did i realize my family especially my son, had a terrible gut feeling something was terribly wrong even though we would sometimes miss out on talking each day.

On the 22nd of june /////, my boss’s son returned from his brother’s with a mutual mate, walking in they found the bucket with just over a liter of blood, me in sever pain and not very responsive, ??????? called his dad (my boss), followed by a call to 000. As ??????? and ##### got me sittting up on the edge of the bed they tried hard to keep me awake while they threw some warmer clothes on me and packed me a bag for hospital. As time went by, and me getting worse after over 30 minutes ??????? made another frantic call to 000, we learnt there had been some confusion between the dispatch and ambulance crew how bad I was. Not long after the second call an ambulance arrived, Due to where we lived it wasn’t possible to bring in the stretcher, I remember as the stood me up to walk to the ambulance pain tore through my stomach so bad I thought I would faint. Placed on the stretcher, wrapped in blankets in agony and unable to find a comfortable position I was given a green whistle. Each and every bump sent horrendous pain through me, I felt like stomach was being torn in two. With the nearest hospital been over 30 minutes away and me still in agony and unable to find a vein, I was given a second whistle, not long after we hit a rough part of the road and I felt pain like i never had before then everything went black. The next thing I remember is coming around in hospital, lots of pain , scans and pain relief, the Dr’s and nurses getting me to sign forms explaining it might be keyhole surgery and it been possible to have to be fully cut open. I remember looking at the Dr and telling him I didn’t care just please hurry up to stop this pain. The rest is a blur< I remember seeing lots of nurses and Dr’s, The lights above wizz by as i was wheeled to theater.

Nightmares, beeping, voices hear and there, mum crying.

Little did i know at ^am the following morning my mother received a phone call, I was in the ICU at the Northern hospital in an induced coma.

It was discovered a ulcer had ruptured in my stomach, and to make matters worse I had developed septicemia and my body had gone septic. My poor family were told to come say goodbye, I wasn’t expected to live the next 24 hours.

For two weeks my family sat by my side, my younger sister rarely missing a day even though being an accountant meant it was an extremely busy time for her and somehow juggled the hour trip and spending the day with me to,between her job at night, I truly give her partner credit not only was he being there for my family he was dealing with a sleep deprived partner who he rarely saw, was over loaded with work, I’m sure she wasn’t the easiest person to be around but who could blame her. She would later joke I couldn’t of picked a better time of year, only one of the busiest.

I woke up and a nurse came over, as far as i knew I had, had my operation and it must be the following day, only my sister walked in and with a huge smile burst into tears, she asked me do you know how long you have been asleep, not even thinking twice said “a few, why?”. She then went on to tell me I had been in a coma for two weeks, it’s hard to explain how confusing and unbelievable it felt hearing that, and even more amazing we slowly over time we worked out i had been hearing her and mum, it sounds crazy but I know what I heard.

The long road to recovery continued, now I was awake it was the start of a new battle. I now weighed only 39kg, my muscles were weak, just walking to the toilet was not only painful but exhausting.Moved to the general ward a few hours after waking up I was experiencing chest pains, i was worried i was having heart problems but I was told it was just probably pain to do with my surgery, with staples from my chest bone to groin I was beginning to think I was going mad. Having been moved two days before to the general ward after my nurse came to give me medication and do my ob’s as usual only this time she hit a button and over the intercom I heard them call code blue for not only my room but bed number to.  My left lung had collapsed, they think it may of happened when one of my tubes were removed, so back to ICU and unfortunately due to a combination of small veins, and them having been used so much during my coma a CPAP machine was the only way to re-inflate my lung.

Finally allowed home I gained weight, enjoyed spending time with my family, I didn’t even think about alcohol.

Nearly 18 months later I met a lovely man named Shaun, and even though Shaun drank when we hung out , it never bothered me.

Eventually a relationship started and oneday for no real reason i thought it would be ok to get a few cans and have a few with Shaun. To begin with i’d drink a couple of cans and wouldn’t worry then a week or so later I thought why not have a few again and slowly the old me came back, it happened so slow that I didn’t even realize i was losing control even though my partner tried to talk to me about it, I just couldn’t see it.

I don’t blame my ex one bit, if anything he was the one who tried over and over to stop it but being an adult he couldn’t stop me and sadly we broke up last year but his still one of my closest mates and someone i know i can talk to about anything.

So now I’m back at square one, alcohol is a big part of my life but for the first time i truly want to quit. I’m now not many weeks of going to detox, then it’s off to rehab, it’s scary but at the same time im excited.I’m also for the first time going to get help for all the other things that have happened in my life, including domestic violence and sexual assault

.I suffer from chronic pancreatitis, which i always will be in and out of hospital for and the pain is not worth it, it will also more than likely , even if I stop drinking shorten my life along with other complications and medical conditions