So, for my first blog I decided to just start typing. I'm not a good blogger and normally I just type random thoughts and emotions I'm feeling. No one will probably read this and if you are reading this now, let me apologize. I have felt extremely down lately and I can't exactly identify why. I am someone who came out of a heavy addiction about two years ago and I find myself slipping back into it only because I have been very depressed.

Also, my ex boyfriend and I have been talking privately to each other and meeting up occasionally to see each other. None of my family knows about this and I feel ashamed for keeping them in the dark about it. My family is closer to me than any other relationship I have had. They mean everything to me and sometimes, unfortunately, I feel like I can't be my own person because I have everyone else in my family's dreams, desires, and wills for me influencing my life. 

I have been living in NYC now for about 9 months and still have not made any really great friends. I hang out with my family mostly and I need to find a few good friends that I can really open up to and share my feelings and frustrations with without having a bias towards me or without condemning me and having to deal with all the shame of it all. I want to enjoy this life I have but lately it has just been so dreary I can hardly stand it. I feel as if sometimes I have never been better and then recently I feel as if I'm just surviving and the person that I could have been at the beginning of my college days has passed away. 

I know I am talented, beautiful, kind, caring, generous but what good is all of that if I'm not happy? I want to know why exactly I'm upset and I need to fix it.