There is so much on my mind. So many things are just crazy. I know I am lucky in some ways but I am so frustrated. I wish there was some way to get away from it all. I want peace, I want to know how to deal with everything. The world around me seems to be almost insane and I wish there was someone that could help me find a place of stability. I am alone, and I have never done well in relationships. I want someone to hold my hand and help me through this life. The sad thing is wanting doesn't get you anything and I have tried so hard to find someone. I have tried clubs, on line, etc. and I keep meeting these guys who jerk me around. They treat me as a convenience. I am tired of trying and I am so desperate that men smell the desperation and treat me like crap. I am tired of it and I have to accept my loneliness. I am thankful I have my kid. She is the only reason I think I haven't totally lost it, but I really wish that I could feel the security of knowing that I had a stable healthy romantic relationship. My ex husband didn't want to have a child with me. His intention like most men was to just use me up and moved on. I got pregnant and he told me he didn't want it, I later miscarried and afterwords I felt really suicidal. I really wanted to try it but he stopped me. Three months later he willing tried to get me pregnant, but after I had the baby he told me he resented me for wanting her. He pulled away from me more and more until I couldn't take it any more. It was like living with a zombie. Sometimes I hate him for the way he treated me but then I remember that he has given me my reason for living. No matter how hard things get I have to be strong for my kid. I have to take care of her and provide for her.