heh, well this is turning out to be an interesting experience. fairly distracting, which i suppose is the objective..ugh..that's a horrible goal, but it's still the most honest. cursed intentionality. I've been spending a fair amount of time in the depressiontribe chat. i can tell i'm trying to maintain a certain level of aloofness yet friendliness, that i shouldn't even bother with, because it's just gonna stress me out. i just know how much of a fool i can be. thus, a battle is born. a member who shall remain nameless convinced me to be open to this community. if it comes that highly recommended, then i'll actually put in realistic effort. i have mixed feelings about this, but oh well.

and here's where the tricky part is. i always look at the negative. i find something to deter me from doing this kind of thing or putting myself out there. some insurmountable reason to recede and avoid any contact, whether it's something about myself or what i see from others being less than ideal. I've noticed that with friends i used to have that had issues they struggled with. it seems there's a tendency to be put off by anything that's less than perfect or easy. maybe it's senstivity, maybe it's disdain, or just merely an excuse to cover things up. I can recognize that this is one of those unhealthy approaches i shouldn't give into. and i feel like i'm legitimately making an attempt, but in the back i'm wondering when this will cave in, and i'll crawl back into a hole of invisibility again.

on the brighter side of things. i remind myself a lot about how i don't really feel interested in anything. how i have this dull and indifferent ache in my body. it made me laugh as i watched the sunset today in the back yard, because i couldn't remember something feeling so relaxing, besides my hypnosis recordings..yea i listen to those. ironically they work for me because being disassociative, i'm more vulnerable to hypnosis. it's not like it's portrayed, to anybody who sees this and has preconceptions. and i was bothered when i found out why it works so easily on me. it was an upsetting moment when i looked it up, because it reminded me of being dysfunctional. strangely for once it's a gateway to not feeling this way alll the goddamn time. maybe i shouldn't say goddamn. *shrug my apologies. i'm apparently unrefined.

like crude oil


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