I've always considered myself to be pretty fortunate with the people that I have in my life. My family was pretty much there for me when I needed someone to talk to. I had friends that were really true friends. The kind that would help you out, no matter what it was and never second guess your reasoning. I married at age 22, to a man who made me into who I am today.

In 2006, my life changed. My husband changed. He was no longer the man I fell in love with. He started drinking a little at first, but before long, it was an everyday ritual. The more he drank, the angrier he became. Im not saying that it was always his fault, in no way whatsoever, because I have my flaws too. But it wasn't long before disagreements turned into arguments and arguments turned into yelling at each other and then eventually, it became physical. Now dont get me wrong. Anyone who knows me, knows that I have never just let anyone get the best of me.I ama Kentucky girl after all! So of course, I defended myself. But he always got the best of me. He was arrested twice for fourth degree assault and I was arrested once for the same.

Like many other women, I stayed with him. I thought that by some miracle, I could change him back to the way he was before. Back to the man that made me fall in love with him. For 4 years, I tried. It was no longer physical abuse anymore, it was mental abuse. I guess he got tired of going to jail. But every woman knows that mental abuse can be much more devastating than physical. He belittled me in every way that he could possibly think to. Made me feel inadequate as a woman. Wehave no children together. I have problems with conceiving. We tried several times, but no such luck. Finally I gave up. I couldn't take the disappointment of a negative test anymore and then still having to deal with him too.

I finally couldn't take it any longer. I left him, February 2010 and the divorce was finalin October. We were married for 7 years and together a total of 11 years.

Since we have been apart, I have dated two men. David, which was a guy I dated in high school, was definitely a bad bad bad decision. He has very bad anger issues! I just came from a relationship like that. We dated for about 5 months and I was becoming more and more uncomfortable with that whole situation. So we decided to call it quits and just be friends. I still talk to him every once in awhile. He is dating again and they are expecting a child in October. Good for him.

I am currently dating a man named, Chris. I have known Chris since I was about 8 years old. He is my brother's best friend. They grew up together. I lost my virginity to Chris when I was 13 years old. He was my first true love. And now after 16 years and both of us being married, we are together again. We have been dating since February this year. And it has gotten off to a very rocky start.

The main problem with us, is that he's still married. His divorce is almost final, but it is causing a lot of stress between us. Him and his wife (soon to be ex) have four children together. A 16 year old, a 14 year old, a 10 year old, and a 9 year old. The 9 year old is jealous of me, the 10 year old is the only boy and we get along okay. The 14 year old refuses to talk to me. And the 16 year old is trying her best to get along with me. I understand completely where they are coming from. Its all new to them and in no way am I going to push myself into their lives. It'll take time and I can wait.

I can honestly say that I am, without a doubt, in love with Chris. I always have been. I asked him to move in with me and he did in June.Wetalked about getting marriedand set the date for September 30th. We talked about havinga baby. He even went andhad his vasectomy reversed. I made an appointment with a fertility specialist.Everything was absolutely perfect. I loved being with him!

Ilive an hour away from his children and family. Last month, he waited until I left for work and he had his cousin to take him to his grandmothers. He wasn't even going to tell me that he was gone. Luckily, I text him and then I guess he felt obligated to tell me. He said that he needed to take care of some things there. Which was fine, but he could have told me before he left. We should have talked about it. I was crushed! All I could think about was what did I do wrong. Maybe I should have done something different. Then it changed to… Maybe it is my fault that my ex husband treated me so badly or thatDavid and I didnt work out. I tend torun the people I care about off. I was depressed.I felt useless! I was alone again!I wantedto die!Two weeks later, he decides that he wants to come back.So,I go get him. He brings his son back with him, which is fine too. Another two weeks goby and I come home from work one afternoon and his things are packed. Hetells me that he is goingto go stay with his grandmother, because he doesn't feel comfortable being that far away from his kidsor family. He says that he still wants us to be together, and that he wants me to come visit himas much as possible. And that he loves me.

So, Itake him and his son to his grandmas. I know that he is not cheating on me. I know that he loves me. What I dont know is why this is happening. We never argued or got mad at one another. My life revolved around him. Maybe he doesn't like who I am. Hell, I dont like who I am! Why would I expect someone else to? All I keep thinking about is that I'm never going to be happy again. I'm never going to have a husband that loves me, despite my flaws. That I'm never going to have the chance to experience what its like to be a mother. I want that more than anything! But I'm30 yearsold. My time for that is running out. I feel so…. EMPTY! I've begged God, for the last week and a half, to just end my life. I'm so tired of hurting. So tired of waking up every morning, and stressing over what is going togo wrong today! I cant keep goingon like this! Its killing me so much! What the hell is wrong with me???