This is a free write of expression to acknowledge and articulate, at least attempt to, my sexuality. The year is 2019 and yet internally I’ve carried an inner desire forward throughout most of my life. In the modern day of sexual fluidity and preferences spanning a variety of topics; is this a renaissance of carnal acceptance? In a way, as compared to the past, absolutely. None is perfect but let us face the facts, we are in the days of progressive acceptance and it is only going to get better from here. As a guy in his late 20’s, I see the younger generation and can tell that the new norms are going to be great for American society. This is not to ignore any obvious disparities but such sentiments are true to me.
Moving forward, I am setting the stage for myself in countenance in hopes that it finds its way to others in a positive way. The scene will be set and I am the main character here. Like all characters, inside many of us, there is something that wants to fight to come out. What is yours? For me, I am bisexual fighting off an erotic appetite. How did this happen? To explain, I will go back a little way.
Back in the early to mid-2000s was an interesting time for me and if you are in my age range, I am sure it was for you as well. In a world where American Idiot has consumed the masses (me included) and we were all getting our first cell phones, it was a landscape waiting for exploration. Though we were all in our hometown bubbles, there was the excitement of naturally getting to know yourself internally. Maybe you were trying to figure out if the preppy American Eagle polo or ripped jeans was your fit. Perchance you were in Hot Topic eyeing a band shirt and silver necklace wondering if you were brave enough to express yourself at school. Maybe the desire to pick up that guitar or drumsticks took over. Surely we could all expand upon this and where we were back then.
Thinking back upon those times, there were the awkward phases of feeling unattractive or lacking confidence. Not only this but there were all the designated “hot” guys and girls in each grade. Metaphorically raise your hand if you attempted to emulate what was catching the eye of the masses. Mine is and a lot of yours is as well but maybe we could not reach those expectations at that time. A lot of us grew into our bodies later on or were just not confident enough to act. None is truer than that of teen crushes.
For myself, I was afraid to let those know that I liked them and only dated because the girls made the first move on a couple of occasions. Other than that, I felt unattractive and quite simply confused. I seemingly struggled to find my identity no matter what I tried. Whereas I chased acceptance, I despised trying to be anything other than myself. So the days of limbo to this regard came about where we all floated on. In saying this, our generation had some different options available.
Back during these times the chat room or instant messaging systems were certainly a standard (AOL anyone?). “IM’ing” a friend or a stranger in a chatroom, was simply an exciting thing. Don’t get me wrong, the worries about predators and all that entails are certainly true as it is today but for those who were careful to that regard, had a lot of fun. Discussing things with people of all ages was something that expanded my outlook in different ways. It helped to break past that bubble that is middle school/high school; the monotony. Not only that but in focusing on the superseding topic here, it was a way to figure out your sexuality.
As a mid to young male teen, I can tell you how much I was enamored by the female figure. From skinny to thick it was something that brought out that basic primal urge in me. It began as a basic desire to romance a girl and of course explore things in the bedroom in the right circumstance. Of course, due to my shy nature, I never got as far (until I was 18) but often fantasized. Naturally, over time I found that my own sexual tastes would diversify. In the span of months, I found myself desiring to dominate a female as well submit myself to a goddess’s desires. Readers, like myself, can note that flirtation with the ideas of mistresses and subbing versus dominating; exploring what it all meant. The preceding instant messaging became the catalyst for exploration in a variety of ways. Perhaps you were trading one of those hidden sexy pictures that you kept on your computer. If you had one of the early cams, maybe you fooled around with that. You could even find yourself roleplaying an erotic story weaving a tale of erotica with another.
At this point, there are arguments that people could make to this development. The divine universe knows I love playing devil’s advocate. Maybe my diversifying tastes were unnatural because of the accesses I had online? Maybe it was all created because things became stale quick? Perchance was it a matter of a new 21st-century virtual law of diminishing returns? Were those tastes nurtured by that environment or innately natural? Hard to say though I lean towards the latter. Things in my life certainly progressed logically from there and shifted to different directions, but first what was the environment fostering my changes?
I was fortunate to grow up in a progressive state in a middle-class family. The array of the opportunity presented to a white male back then has naturally become evident to me over time. So back in those days, and yet still modern, all the guys would get together and hang out. Not only that but we all used to rag on each other and goof around, wrestle, play video games, etc. The ragging included the classic gay jokes that flowed out of us like a natural spring. I have been there, you might’ve been there, a lot of us have been or at least been affected to some degree; arguably. So here I was self-aware of the stigmas of being a homosexual while objectifying girls as teens tend to do. Already my sexual tastes are varied among the spectrum of heterosexuality. Now with that little back story (amongst my above other ramblings) here is where things got interesting. You may be thinking that I am about to have a sexual crisis. Another way I looked at it, and still do, is that things got not only interesting but fun.
Returning to access, teens in this time period had access to things that the previous decades did not. Perhaps a positive or negative, depending on how you look at it, teens in the early to mid-2000s had access to an array of content online; including pornography. Suddenly what was a mystery to generations past became readily accessible knowledge. This is not to say that everyone looked at porn nor should you be considered good or bad for doing so. If you wanted to know where to “put it” or how to maintain your fun parts or even instructional videos, they were available; on top of the regular sex videos.
Unexpectedly, I find myself under a new realization while watching the occasional porno. It was that I was not primarily focused just on the females. To my great surprise, I could not stop regarding the male body in the videos. For some reason or other, this did not upset or disturb me nor question my masculinity. I went into the age-old bi-curious mode. Suddenly in chat rooms, I discovered myself chatting with other guys my age. Through that, I learned more about my attraction to the male gender. From there the curiosity grew. Next thing I knew I uncovered myself watching gay, bisexual, transsexual, and lesbian porn videos. From then on my carnal thoughts about the sexes felt like a wonderful gift. I never resented it all and skipped the whole anxiety aspect and existential predicament. This held true even in a conservative family with generic friendships and acquaintances; and all the stigmas that come with desiring men. It was like a naughty sexual secrete that I loved keeping. The sheer taboo of it all was a turn on as much as the way the rest of it made me feel.
The one thing I am lucky about is that I never met any bad people online. No one exploited me nor convinced me to send videos that I didn’t want to. Not only this, I tried different times to satisfy my colorful sexual urges through meetups but fortunately, nothing panned out. Those stories you have of bad things happening to kids and teens via these things is terrible. I am grateful for my strokes of good luck and if you are reading this, I am happy for your good luck as well. Still, the anticipation to actually do the things I desired was great. Just to test my sexual preference would solve things once and for all.
Somehow I wished that I was able to be open and actually meet like-minded guys and girls during this time period. The risk for me was still too great back then and depending on where you live now, can be the same. So altogether I, like most teens with strong urges and few realistic avenues to experiment and satisfy them, kept dreaming. All we had was our nights of playing with ourselves, watching videos, chatting with people in chat rooms, and generally carrying on. If only we could go back in time and let our younger selves know that the bubble of middle/high school will eventually pop revealing the world.
The years continued to go by for all of us and despite all else, that time period was not the best years of my life. With that said they were pretty damn good and I would not trade them for anything in the world. Ultimately I graduated from high school and moved that summer to pursue college. The bubble burst and the new frontier was unveiled. A free sense of finding oneself through casual connections or relationships was in reach. Now I had girlfriends in high school but nothing moved past making out. This summer post-graduation had me test all notions of my sexuality. The end of summer found me in my car meeting a girl from plenty of fish per her message. Long story short she blows my mind and confirmed that yes, I fully regard females as goddesses who get my rocks off. Now comes the next part, online I met a same age guy close by who is understanding where I am with my unconfirmed bisexuality. He himself is an experienced open/proud homosexual; and one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met. In short, I did everything to him and him everything to me. Submitting to him was beyond amazing and something that solidified my years’ long assumptions of being bisexual. Great right? So this is basically it and all is good?
Just as before the seasons’ pass and graduation once again remind us of the next stages in life. Again I move and begin full-time work in my mid-20s while pursuing a graduate degree online as well. In this middle stage of my roaring twenties, I meet a girl. I must mention that through my younger days to present I’ve dreamed of a house and kids; overall romance. By this time I have made up my mind that I want a female companion for life. Through a steppingstone part-time job, I did just that. This was where I met the girl, the perfect woman for me in every way except, sex. To be clear, for the basic generic male to woman traditional role sex, it is great. Problem is, my mind is not made for just that, I need kink variety mixed in. I have the law of diminishing returns in this regard. This means I need more time in between each session before it truly gets me going. Don’t get me wrong, it always feels good and if sex was my business the motto would be customer satisfaction guaranteed. Still, we have perfect days and weeks to months and years. Even the slight shift into kinkier things based on her own ideas and my suggestive thoughts is not nearing anything good enough. This has gone on for 5 years so far and I have a hard time fighting off my sexual appetites and tastes.
There are those out there who state that honesty is the right course of action. If I want to get what I desire, be upfront, make the change. Of course, it is harder than it looks. Outside, I am the “straightest” typical guy you know. You would never suspect anything other than the usual. Isn’t that the case with many whom we walk by every day? I am another statistic there. To put it in perspective, I had safe sex with a guy earlier this year. When I texted him that I wanted to have sex and have him top me he literally responded that the knowledge blew his mind. He did not suspect it due to my natural behavior but I can tell you he would not deny it now after the fact. So pulling all this together, the glaring answer is to tell my girlfriend and finally have more control over things. Just like how many of us were in the closet about our sexuality in our teenage years, easier said than done. Sure we have progressed as a society but the negative stigmas and ideas are still there. Even in that well-intentioned accepting attitude that a lot of people convey, a good portion cannot help but put forth a judgment with the knowledge of another’s sexual desires. So what do I believe would take place should I make the big reveal?
I truly believe and can tell you that if I told my girlfriend about my sexuality, she could eventually live with it, accept it. We would still be together but there could be an expiration date in that it may not work out in the end. Here is what I conceive to be the following costs, where the bill comes due per my possession of a secret for so long. I feel that she would never see me the same. That I would not be one hundred percent a man to her. That behind any dinner, joke, vacation, sex, couples exercise, long walk on the beach, etc.; I would have a stigma rain cloud hanging over my head. A monkey on my back that I could not shake and that it would follow me everywhere. I would be plagued with endless relentless thoughts of what is she thinking at this time? Is it about me and the side of me that desires to bed other men? Is it that I not enough of a man? Or is that expiration date upon me where a fragile part of me will break into pieces? My mind would have no rest. This is what I fear most about trying to end the lack of control to satisfy my sexual appetites; is it worth satisfying this beast? In a sense of Dexter speaking of his “Dark Passenger” I’ve personified my sexual feelings.
Guilt crops up every now and then but I’ve only hooked up on two occasions with guys during the past 5 years. I have tried even hundreds of times to arrange hookups but generally, let my morals and ethics take over. I feel my carnal nature cropping up all the time. I can see it behind my eyes smiling back at me because it knows that I want it. I want to fuck that guy I saw in the mall. I want the submissive switch with a female dominating my body. I want to have casual hookups with a transgendered person and hear their brave journey to be who they are. I want it all but morality clashes with deviance, and I am in love with the deviance. So I have begun to accept that I cannot outrun a demon who will always be faster than me. So what can one do to quell their sexual nature? What were my methods these past 5 years?
The past few years I have found myself changing things up on occasion in order to keep this beast at bay. On days I am alone I find myself having random phone sex or taking out certain sexual toys. In a timeless effort, I hit the chatrooms and even do mutual camming sparingly. Other days I end up downloading Tinder or Grindr and start looking for hookups. I get close and then stop. I uninstall and install the apps, again and again. I’ll even read erotic sex stories especially if they are true accounts from real people. Just anything I can do to keep this pseudo-Hyde from attempting to find casual sex.
I wish that I can just switch off this urge as it keeps me up at night just thinking of all the things I could do if I was single. I should’ve realized this years ago and came clean with my girlfriend. At the same time, she is so perfect in every single other way. I do not write this in the hope to find THE answer or even that someone will give me one. I know what the answers are. It helps to express this for the first time. Nearing the end of my 20s I have experienced moments of sex from men to women, to transgender. I still feel the same naughty deviance looking to be uncaged. I personify it like some kind of lesser god of pleasure, like a carnal form of Bacchus at the base of Mount Olympus desiring endless sex and kink. I endear it at this very moment.
Again, it feels good to put down the thoughts I have on paper. If you got this far it means a lot to me that you got through the ramblings of a young adult. In reciprocation, I want to know what anyone else’s thoughts are. Where I am right, where am I wrong? Have you gone or are going through this? Do you identify with any of the content sexual or not? Any questions for me? I’m an open book so feel free. You can also email me at [email protected] if you want to.