Grr…I wrote out an entire blog while on my cell phone just now and the site must of timed me out because when I posted it, it took me to the log in page. So I'm on my laptop going to re-write it…frusterating lol.
I woke up this morning, about an hour ago, with anxiety. It's still here. I've been waking up with it for awhile now. It carries with me through the entire day. Sigh. Okay so this is how things have went the past few days.
On Xmas Eve my brother came over with his friend, wanting to go shopping with me for some gifts for the family. Dreading it all morning. He showed up and I stalled as long as I could…then started putting on my shoes thinking "I am going out and it's like I'm sentencing myself to a panic attack." Slowly got out the front door. As soon as that door closed my mind told me to get back inside. Deep breathe, probably nearly breaking my husbands hand again, I kept on going. We ended up going to a restaurant to get a gift card, a department store for a gift card, and those were pretty in and out. Last was going to Toys R Us, and it was packed. Police directing traffic in the parking lot packed. I kept thinking about my values and wanting to be able to do this, so I clenched my jaw and made my way into the store. It was hard, felt panicky and my mind was telling me horrible things,but I didit. I haven't been around that many people in a long time. After my brother left and my husband and I had to meet his mom in a half hour to exchange presents. That took almost 2 hours, anxiety was so high, but I did it…even socialized. It was all very overwhelming. I ended up sleeping at 7pm, exhausted from it all.
On Xmas, I woke up at 6am, helped my mom clean and cook. So I was out in the kitchen and living room. Family came over at 2pm. Anxiety VERY high. But it's like no one would know. I was laughing, joking, socializing with them. Inside I felt like dying and was screaming. I made a commitment with my therapist and to myself that I would spend dinner, presents, and two 15 minute intervals out there with them. And I did make it through all that. Even more, I went out there and sat on the couch (this is huge, I do not do this) with my family and talked with them for about 45 minutes. I felt exhausted so I had to go lay down. My brother and husband were in my room with me hanging out. I went out there a few more times for like 5-10 minutes every now and then also. I was relieved when everyone left though. I did have a panic attack later that night. But I opened up to my husband and he helped me get through it. I told him some things that I haven't told anyone before. It made me uncomfortable talking about it but I think that's what I have to do.
Through all this, having the anxiety, panic, thoughts, feelings…I do cherish spending time with my family. I'm more of a disbelief going into the stores than proud of myself. I mean, I was able to really laugh for once. When I was with my brother, I laughed, but it was real…it was outside my apartment. I laughed being outside my comfort zone. I spent time with my grandma on Christmas, who I don't get to see often and I love her so much. Even through the anxiety, etc. I was able to make memories with them. Memories I would not of had if I let the anxiety control me. It tears me up because my family means so much to me and I push them away out of fear. I hope I can make more memories like that, they may be small, but they mean the world to me. SomedayI want to be the person I can really invision myself being. Because right now my only memories I'm creating are laying in my bed with my awful thoughts.
So I don't know if I should consider these victories. It just seems like such a normal thing to do, go to a store, spend time with family. I want to be really proud of myself but I almost won't let myself because I think "big deal, it was one time…" I don't know.
I see my therapist in a few hours. Nervous about having to leave. I will do it, I will. Breathe, breathe, breathe.