My daughter asked me to do her a favor yesterday. She wants me to make her a piece of jewellery. In my mind I am thinking this is not a favor cause I love to make things. I go into a defensive mode when she makes a request like this. So I wait for her to elaborate so I know what she wants me to design for her…………….So I ask for the last thing Imade her so she can tell me what she liked and didn't like. A jumping off point.

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To which she gives me a response like she is chastising me and she speaks to like I am a child. My request is not reasonable. She can't possible find the charm I made her because the room she shares with boyfriend,in my house, is just she can't find it……….implying that the room we provide her is inadequate.(she is 24 he is 25) to which I reply please don't talk to me in that tone. She then proceeds to inform me that I am unreliable and she would like me to clomplete her request in a timely manor ( I am paraphrasing). Because in the past it has taken me forever to make things for her if I complete them at all. Again chastising me with her tone.

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At this point I am trying not to blow up at her. She tells me that I go out of my way to make things for her cousin and her brothers girl friend but not her. I am grinding my teeth now. I realize there is no point in arguing so ask again for the charm that I made for her bar. I think we exchange some more comments again I am trying not say anything that will make me regrett my words so I try to tell her how she makes me feel when she speaks to me like she does;to which she replies that how I feel is nothing compared to how I make her feel. This brakes my heart and I shut up because it is a no win situation.

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This whole conversation takes 2-3 minutes. She leaves my room and returns 1-2 minute later with the charm. The charm is made up of aquamarine,peridot,and citrine stones with stirling silver. She drops it in my hand and I ask her how long did it take me to make this for her………oh a couple of days she says. I look at her and I think in my mind of all earrings,necklaces,bracelets, I have made her some of which the stone quality is AAA and she looses them and I replace them like they are just scrap pieces of paper.

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I get it I am not a great mom not a good house keeper not a good wife or lover and I am 50 over weight and unattractive. On top of that I am damaged I have a hard time showing my love for my children in the currency that they need. Not just in the each of their individual needs but in general.

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Every time my anxiety gets bad I have a depressive episode and I watch my value drop a bit more in their eyes. By the way they talk to me or my youngest worries but one day that will turn to disappointment as he separates and becomes his own person as it has with my two oldest children.

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when I was a child I new that my mothers alcohol problems were the root of the neglect and sexual abuse that we were subject to. I was not rebellious but I could not wait to move out because I thought that would fix it all. I saw other kids acting out using drugs alcohol sex, angryat their parents. I just thought this is a normal state of being as a teen and their situations had to be so much worse than mine.

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Any way I struggle with my short comings and I thought that if the neglect ,abuse and alcoholism were out of the equation that my children would be better off but it seems that they are not because they are still stuck with me.

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