So the meds are not working. I have a boyfriend but honestly I have no idea if he is part of the problem, or if my depression is messing up my perception. I have a few good hours or days followed by several where I can't imagine facing anything or anyone. I'm sad all the time and hearing about all the death in the news wretches me and I am filled with doom. I hate living with someone, yet feeling alone. My ED took over and has replaced other substances I abandoned in January of this year. I feel horrid in appearance. The apartment was “picked up” but not truly “clean” for about a month, but this past week, I summoned all I had and cleaned – thoroughly. I thought I would feel better after but it was short-lived. I can only convey myself in writing because when I feel like this, my words are either lost or stuck in my throat. I wrote a note using the advice from another site…I explained that I felt flat, needed to be held, and know it's the depression. I gave it to my boyfriend who says, “what's this” as though he didn't realize he should read it. I said nothing, but was silently frustrated. He read it…over an hour ago. I'm here. He is there…watching Eddie Griffin stand up comedy. My bills are behind because of compulsory spending/shopping but I was ready to get on track, but I lost mu budget sheet. The idea of re-doing another gives me knots in my stomach. I'm feeling like a failure. I hate my job and this LOA hasn't changed my mind. I tried job searches…I had an interview call back and had to lie in order to reschedule it. I guess all I needed to do was check tge email I was told would be sent on Friday, but I dreaded checking my inbox for fear of seeing something else to make me get upset. Well, I checked the email this morning…the interview was in 15 minutes and I had only been up for 10 minutes. I wish I could get it together. I am considering going for more “structured” help because I'm nearly ready to give up but know it shouldn't feel like this…