I'm not an addict myself. I hope it's ok for me to be here. I am struggling with my baby brother's addiction. It has landed him in jail twice now. The first time was just over night. This time, we don't know how long it will be. I see him every weekend and he calls sometimes and writes me a lot and it's so good to hear from him and to know he has been clean 4 weeks now, since there's no drugs in jail. But, at the same time, his letters horrify me. Tonight, he wrote that one of his cell mates snapped and beat the crap out of the other. At first, I thought of it as just a light hearted letter but then I started to freak out. What if he had been the one to get beat up? He writes about being hungry all the time, and that breaks my heart. Mostly, he talks about wanting to get out and move on but, I don't want him to get out. It sounds horrible, but if he's out, he can use. If he's in, he's a little hungry and might get punched by another inmate. But he's relatively healthy. My relationship with my brother has improved so much since he went in. He's like the friend he was before he started using.
I'm also scared, because I'm starting to second guess myself. I'm on prescription anti anxiety meds and, I need them. I'm scared of becoming an addict myself. I didn't take 2 today, just one and i'm freaking out. His problems started with vicodin. What if mine are starting with xanax?
It's hard to find people to have a serious conversation about this with. When I tell someone my brother is in jail and why, the usual response was, "Well that was dumb." Then I feel awkward and make jokes instead of getting out what I really want to say. How i'm scared of what lies ahead for my fragile family. That my brothers current desires to get clean might disappear when he gets his freedom back.
I know theres hope. We met a woman who is 15 years clean at visitation last week. But she was there visiting her daughter, in for drug charges. Kind of blows the hope.