So… I was having a convo with my grandfather and somehow it got really serious. I told him about my cutting and about how I was so depressed all the time. He thought I cut myself because I wanted to punish myself… and in a sense that is quite true. It wasn't till I said something that everything just… clicked. When I was talking about my step father, I had said that my step father always thought that no matter what I did, it wasn't good enough. Nothing was ever good enough. And it wasn't till I said that that it all clicked. That the reason why I cut myself was truely because I was punishing myself. It never had to be anything significant. It could be because I stole a cookie for God's sake (That was just an example. I don't really steal cookies). Although, no matter how small, I still felt this need to punish myself. It didn't matter what I did it with, it just needed to be done. Since I had been introduced to cutting when I was in the eigth grade, that was just something that I automatically went to… Something that I didn't even think about.

It just pains me to know that the reason that I am cutting myself is because I don't think I am good enough. IT's because I think that I need to be punished for something so insignifigant. Though if I don't do it… I don't know… I just feel like if I don't do it, then I'm being bad yet again. And I need a more intense punishment. This is just simply how I was raised. My step-father always that that no matter what I did, it could always be better. And if it could be better, then I wasn't doing it right. If I wasn't doing it right, then I needed to be punished so that I could learn how to do it right. But that's the thing. I don't learn by being beat. I never have learned by being beat. The thing was, that was the only attention that he gave me. It was the only love that I have ever known by him. And if that was all I could get then by golly I was going to be bad as much I could so that I could continue to get this love that I thought was all I deserved. I honestly thought that I needed to be verbally and physically abused. I still think that to this day.

So whenever I come over to my grandparents and they are showering me with these compliments… I just don't know how to take it. It's not something that I am used to. I am used to being screamed at and playfully beaten to death. I'm not used to "oh you are just so pretty and so smart". I can't handle it… Which just makes me sad…