of an attack.
Got so many things running around in my head right now – literally feel like the world is going so quickly & I can\'t keep up with it.
My family is winding me right up – my mum is foul tempered and its making me crazy, shes reacting like everything I say to her is an insult. Which I really am not doing.
I was put in charge of sorting my sisters hotels for her hen do and it drove me a little mad – put this on top of sorting out an interview (which freaks me out anyway) – getting in touch with an estate agent about a house – corresponding with online shops about purchases and refunds and issues – trying to sort out two sets of friends who are trying to organise a night out – my dad coming home and teaching me how to use all the gardening equipment and telling me what order to do everything…
My mind is frazzled & its the age old thing with me that no one in this family apart from my 1 sister understands what happens to me.
I tried to talk to my mum and because the words weren\'t coming out of my mouth she got really pissed off with me – I literally couldn\'t find a starting point to try and explain any hen do hotels details to her… my mouth and my head seem disconnected.
I\'m about to spiral into something heavy and ridiculous but I need to stay focused on the moment and not let all the future stuff get to me.
Writing really does calm me down though…..
Got annoyed with my mum pretty much as soon as she came home though. Now i\'m not usually the kind of person to plan the future (god knows I worry about it) but to stop any anxiety I had taught myself not to expect anything.
But last night it hit me that I\'m about to start my last year of uni and I need to know what my plan is after this year is up.
So I thought through a 5 year plan – not that ridiculous I dont think. Told my mum & she pretty much laughed it off… which I cannot understand!? My other two sisters went to uni – and now both have families and houses but are in jobs totally unrelated to their expensive degrees. I don\'t want that to happen to me. I want my degree to go towards a job and a career that i\'d love – thats the reason I went in the first place.
She\'s annoyed me, as though, whats the point in dreaming bigger? Just because my sisters didn\'t do it & god knows, she and my dad didn\'t get their dream jobs – whose to say I won\'t??? I know its unlikely, because its a hard time to get dreams jobs – but surely there should be more encouragement?
I keep getting cramps in my stomach as though I might be sick. Is this a physical affect of anxiety? I\'ve never had many physical signs before so I can\'t tell if I\'m just ill – the only thing axiety does to me is make me shake, cant focus, cant speak & makes me feel like all my nerves are frustrated so I have to keep moving, like clenching my hands and things…
I hate this so much. I wouldn\'t even know what its like not to have an anxiety disorder – do people really just deal with things? 😐
I\'m certain every person in my family has a mental health problem – i\'m not saying that to be bitchy, not at all. I know my sister has depression, my dad is an extensive worrier and my mum is all kinds of things 😐 My eldest sister seems to be the only one whose a bit normal – but then, she\'s not really close enough to me anymore for me to know.
I just wanna be fixed – but yeah, I don\'t have a doctor.