Have you ever had one of those moments where you’re depressed for no reason? I have, in fact i’m having one right now. I’ve been depressed all day and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better. It got to the point where I knew if I didn’t go to sleep earlier I would do something that I would regret.

At times like this I usually have to talk to someone but right now talking to someone is the last thing that I want to do. I take that back, there is someone I would like to talk to but not only is he not there for me like he has always told me he would be but I seem to be mad at him and I honestly have no idea why. Well I kinda know why but I don’t want to go into details.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me these days. I just feel so alone and empty. I’ve been told by so many doctors that as long as I take my medicine the way that i’m suppose to then I will feel a lot better. Well if you want my opinion, they’re all full of shit. I feel the same way now that I did before I ever started taking the medicine. Hell, right now i’m feeling the same way I did right before I was put back into the hospital.

I don’t want to allow myself get to the point again where I feel like suicide is my only way out but if things continue on the way that they are I don’t know if i’m going to be strong enough to pull myself through it. I haven’t had thoughts of cutting in so long but right now I feel like it would end all of the emotional pain that i’m carrying.

I know I always take the easy way out and I hate the fact that I do but i’ve done it for so long I don’t know any other way. It seems like one addiction after the other with me when it comes to dealing with my pain. First it was cutting which lasted a year and a half of my life then I was introduced to xanax. When both of those failed I turned to suicide, not only once but twice. Will I ever be strong enough to deal with the pain on my own?