I often feel like most of what you are talking about here.  It's very hard for me to make friends and a lot of the ones I have I do question whether they honestly care as much as I do.  They probably do just in a different way or express it differently.  I'm just really sensitive and I truly care about everybody but I don't like being used or treated like crap, everything affects me so deeply and that is very hard.  I've been told I take things too personally, and perhaps that's true to a degree but I also think some people don't take things personally enough and are too numb to their feeligns, but I get that too because I've been there as well.  I've been hurt how many times both intentionally and unintentionally.  Yet I still try, I try very hard to be open and bear my heart because I think of all the cold and uncaring people in the world and I don't want to be anything like that.   At the end of the day what matters most to me is who i have to really turn to when I need someone the most and wouldn't feel like I'm burdening them and to be honest sometimes it's nobody and other times it's one or two people.  I had more people than I do now about a year ago.  It's even harder now because I know now what it's like to have a "group" of freinds and then now lose it for whatever reason.  As before I never knew what that was like, I didn't know what I was missing.  Sometimes I can't make sense of it all and why it's so hard for me to make friends, it must come down to something I am doing wrong, otherwise why does it keep happening.  I'm still trying to figure it out and change some things in my life and work on myself, it's a constant struggle.

 It might not mean much but I care about you, I haven't always been here but I honestly do and you've always stood out to me for one reason or another as some people do.  It's hard and sometimes…no, most of the times when I've reached out and beared my heart it gets thrown back in my face, and probably not on purpose although sometimes I know it has been.  One of the hardest things for me is that I never forget someone I care about, sometimes in life you have to move on, life gets in the way, crap happens, people fall apart etc but I've never stopped caring or loving about anyone I've known, that hurts not having them there.  I often wonder if those people think about me like I think about them still or if they just moved on like nothing happened.  I've been a loner all my life and never have run with the pack, and I'm sure part of me will always be that way.  I just know that I want more now, I want to communicate and be a part of social situations, I just want to be able to do it my own way, be myself and not have to play some social games or pretend to be someone I'm not doing it.

I feel your pain though and I'm here if you want to talk.  I think I'm a massochist because I seem to like getting hurt over and over again lol that's sort of a joke and sort of true on some levels.  I'm learning more and more to protect myself though too and not allow people to hurt me, but also not completely close myself off completley, just not hurt myself when trying to be there or help others because then it just ends up making things worse for me and it's not fair to the other people in my life.  It's a tough balance I'm trying to work out.

I wish you the best, bons.  I really do.

Mike.