It's been such a long time since I've been here… it's a welcome sight for the state of mind I'm in. 

Well, lets see in short what's happened since I've been on last year.  I got fed up with my life, and said to myself I wanted everything new. So again in short, I broke up with my old BAD for me bf, and that was done.  Started dating and was dating a few really awesome guys.  I was very happy doing that, having tons of fun…  lets see.  Got a new job that I liked, met new friends, started going out a lot since he made me stay in all the time that was fun – got a new car, my dream – DREAM i'll say it again – car a 2003 mercedes c230 kompressor, white with leather interior and all bells & whistles – and am still loving it.. new clothes, new hair color, pretty much anything I could do to make a new life for myself.  Sold my mustang which was great too see all that hard work actually paid off..

So, I then met a guy that stood out from all the others, and now to make my life even more 'new' I fell in love quickly and moved to New Jersey about 10 minutes away from Point Pleasant Beach, and I'm the Office Admin. for his new company that he started in LA to keep me somewhat 'busy'..

So here I am.  I've gotten everything I could have ever thought possible from that one decision I made mid-year last year.

And now I'm still finding myself stuck in bouts of depression.  I'm in one now yet again.  I don't have anything to be depressed about, my fiance doesn't believe in depression, he says it's all in your head, but yet why can't I shake this.  I feel like I have to hide the way I feel from him when I get sad.

I try to come up with reasons of why  I am depressed.  I am here in Jersey, and I don't know a soul here except for him, I had to leave all my guy friends behind because he thinks it's disrespectful to our relationship, and I feel like well, I won't go that far into detail about things but,  I feel like I do have a little bit to be upset about every once in a while.  I don't have an outside job so I don't have the chance to meet people around here, I'm just now in the process of joining classes and the gym to try to meet people in a more natural way, since I like doing that stuff anyway I figure if I don't meet anyone I'll still be there because that's what I want..

Why is it so difficult to make new friends as adults in real life.  I tried to go on a site to see if I can even just have an activity partner to go out and go hiking or walking, or do whatever just so I don't have to do it alone, and out of 3 people that live like 10 minutes away from me, nobody replied to even say no thanks. 

I'm in that mindset where I want to say F**K it, and go get some drugs (yes, I am saying this because it's a part of what I go through and have to keep myself away from it because I know it's bad) and be messed up so that I don't have to deal with feeling this way. I know of two things I can take that will allow me to be numb and seriously HAPPY until all this goes away.  So why not do it.  I fight with myself because i know that's not the right thing to do.  and now, I got a phone call saying we have a visitor that I have to entertain tonight so I have to go because I have to make a bigger meal than planned. 

And another thing that is hard for me, I can go down back to PA and hang out with at least my family but I've been put on a monthly allowance so I have to budget my spending and it's not even enough to go out and enjoy myself for the whole month so I find myself for the last two weeks of each month not doing anything but staying home because I can't even afford to go down to PA and visit my family.  (this allowance is because he started this business and all monies is tied up in there so I understand we have to limit our spending – but…does he?)

Well, I don't know what kind of intro back into this supportive world is, but I guess I just needed to vent out and I do need some support and motivation or something?? 

I've got to go so I can make this big dinner… even though I don't feel like it 🙁