Hey, found the blog part of this! Now I can stop ranting in the forum..heh.

So I just fell into a love triangle over the summer. Its damn well complicated but I suppose I might as well start from the beginning.

I was in love, ridiculously in love, looking into the future and can't wait to have babies and a house with this guy kind of love. Yeah, intense right?
We had been dating (for the second time after a year) for abouteight months when I told him I was leaving to get an awesome summer job about 15 hours away. I was extremely upset that I was going to leave – needed mucho mo for university and had to take the higher paying job of course– becuase things were going so amazingly and I really didn't want to leave. We cried and thought it over and he says we should break-up due to the fact that he would be in daily heartbreak not beingnear me over the summer. OK,fine.He knew his boundries and I had to accept that….long distance was something I wasprepared to do but he had never been able to do it with any other gf in the past. So we decided(well I folded to it) that it would be best and we would keep in touch.

I tried….Iwas angry inside when he wouldn't tell me he loved me anymore becuase it "madeit too hard" being away. I wasso hurt that he could just decide he wasn'tgoing to say it anymore becuase of distance! Iinvested so much into this relationship…time…travel back and forth from uni to him…and he couldn't tellme he friggin loved me?Sure, maybe I should have been secure enough in "us" to just "know" how he felt but we had just broken up due to a couple thousand km…How secure could I have been?

I tried to keep in contact…crying almost everyday in a new town where I knew noone…living with my dad who I haven't lived with since I was about seven years old when my parents had split up. I felt so alone and quickly spiraled into depression. A month into working I started ignoring his calls, texts…..started hanging with some people I worked with, one guy in particular who I had decided to hang out with. We'd talk for a long time….go party and shit but I told him I was in a relationship with someone and that I didn't want to get close with, let alone sleep with. He was cool with it, which I was surprised by.

Hanging out turned into sleepovers where we'd cuddle but never have sex because I still felt I was with my boyfriend. I started feeling guilty and ignoring the texts almost completely and calling every now and then to "keep up appearances" but even the way I talked to him was different. Now it became a burden to call my ex because I felt betrayed and angrier by the day. How could he still not want me as his gf? friggin' guy.

So I got drunk one night and I had sex with this guy I worked with. Woke up exteremely upset because I didn't think I would do that. I mean, I was obviously attracted to this guy but I was black-out drunk when this happened. Dammit, I thought. Realized how much I missed that part of a relationship and allowed it to evolve into a "with benefits"type of relationship. I felt guilty still but less and less. by August I had decided I was going to say to my ex that we were done and I wasn't waiting anymore…then we talked and I realized how much I missed him. I told him to give me time. Partially because i didn't want to get back together with him till I got back there…"did I really want this realtionship with him after he dumped me when things got hard?" I didn't knowanymore and I figured in-person was the only way to know. Meanwhile, I continued to keep my relationship with my work-friend and now talking to my ex almost daily again. I nearly slipped up thier names a couple times when talking to the other…..I swear it felt like I was cheating. What the hell was this?

My work friend knew I was thinking about getting back with my ex and seemed ok with it. Turned out he was falling in love with me and I had hurt him very much by saying this. I wasn't in love….didn't know where I was with either one and was honestly ready to give my ex another go when HOLY CRAP…turns out the guy I worked with was going to the same city as me for school…..Does anyone think fate played a part in this? So weird…..So now…I was talking to my ex like we were getting back together and starting to think I was falling for the other one too. Frick sakes. My heart was torn. Do I try a relationship with a rebound guy who I might be in love with or go back to the ex who was in complete love with me but was a super jealous, insecure guy –who I'd have to commute to see again?

I told my work friend we'd stay friends but I was going to try it with my ex and how sorry I was. I was surprised he wanted to stay friends…but we tried. I tried with my ex…now boyfriend again but still on the fence with my feelings. Partially because of the hurt and anger I had towards the entire situation from the summer and partially because I was falling for co-worker buddy over there.
Being "friends" didn't work so well and I cheated on my bf with him. Are you confused without names? lol

I felt bad and told my bf that I needed time to "sort" myself out. I then fell fully into depression again…..I knew it had been creeping up for the past two weeks when I fell behind in class and started staying up till 4 every morning. Me and coworker started seeing eachother and now here I am…..Alone. I told them both to stay away and let me sort everything out.

I can't do it anymore. I used to see a future with my ex and now I don't even want to think that far ahead anymore. I don't trust either of them for fear I'll be left alone if a) something hard happens and he breaks up with me again or b) coworker goes back to his own ex girlfriend who he admitted to still loving.

I found a text on coworkers phone saying word-for-word, "I care for you and just want you to be happy, even if it isn't me making you happy" to his ex girlfriend. He had texted this to me when I said about a month before that I wanted to have some space from him so I can make things work with my ex. Ok, ok, I shouldn't be snooping but I know he still loves her (and still texts her)and if I were to try dating him I had to know he wasn't being intimate with her (she doesn't live in the same city either – flirting is intimate too, dammit). I should have read the entire thing because he said it to her to tell her to back off as he was trying to make things work with me.

Now I'm the asshole. He was mad but more sad that I didn't trust his feelings for me. I keep pushing that poor guy away and pulling him back when I decide I don't love my ex. AND he still wants to be with me.

They are so opposite and I love how sensitive and responsible and loving my ex is, would do anything for me….hate his jealousy and insecurity…..I love my coworkers fun personality and the fact that he doesn't go ape-shit when I say I'm busy with something but he also isn't very stable and drinks a fair bit.

Either way. I've pushed them both away and am now alone. Not quite sure how I feel about that at the moment but as you can tell….the entire summer was quite confusing for me.

For the time being…school is important and thats that.

-A

*If you got through that and understood, sweet, comment below and tell me what you think. You deserve it after that mess of literature!