Don't, don't, don't consume the big 5 until you are damn sure you're healthy enough to absorb the interference they cause (if that's ever the case again):

NO sugar

NO Gluten

NO Milk

NO chocolate

NO Caffeine of any kind

(And keep the wine to a minumum)

It's true, when you were off these things, you weren't suddenly perfectly happy, but you woke with a fairly clear head and some motivation everyday, whereas after yesterday's binge, you have the attention span of a gnat, pains in your hands and feet, and no interest in doing anything except clicking through crap on the internet. The you of four days ago kayaked, biked, did yoga, rollerbladed, wrote the conclusion to your chapter, put flowers in her hair, made a little money, charmed folks at a dinner party, and tended dad's garden. The person you are right now is fucking furious at everyone, thinks her dissertation is crap and would rather read self-help, has a swollen face, can't recall words, hasn't cleaned her skin or teeth (at 12:20 p.m.), wants to swallow a sleeve of fig newtons and just generally feels fucking sorry for herself because she can't imagine not ending up a suicide.

THIS IS STUPID. IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS. Pills did not help you but diet does. You know this. Clearly, you don't think you deserve to feel well, and that's why you keep sabotaging yourself. But you do deserve to be happy and successful. You are not a bad person, just a scared one. And you are not too weak to confront your fears. You need to take little, little steps, but you do need to take them. Gradually, the desire to make a big splash falls away from you, and you just want to be a good person who does good work. And all this guilt you feel for sponging off your aging parents–you are not helping matters by punishing yourself. You are more useful to them and everyone when you are healthy. You are more creative when you take care of yourself. You are nicer, and more connected, and you look better–darn good, really–too. And that's okay! Looking good does not mean you're any less serious. There's no need to throw up your hands in despair because you don't have the bland, regular features of j's last girlfriend, but instead look like some washed up russian gymnast. When you feel alive, it beams off you and draws people in, and you feel more and more connected. You are not a lost cause. You not "faulty," at the cellular or auric levels. You are self-centered, yes, but you want to and can be more than that. You don't prove your moral worth by hating yourself for your shortcomings. You are okay. You are your parents' daughter, you brother's sister, your sister-in-law's sister-in-law, your nephews' aunt, your relatives' relative, your boyfriend's love, your friends' friend, and your own person. You are okay. You deserve to be here. Get on with it already.