It was years ago that I joined Depression Tribe. I came with a friend of mine while I was in high school, really only to support her when she had things going on. I never really was seriously depressed until lately…

My father died on July 24th of liver cancer. We all had been battling this, my entire family, but Dad especially – he went through chemotherapy for months and had his colon removed only for the cancer to continue to spread. The doctors said everything was fine at first when they removed the cancer, and then they said his liver was infected and there was nothing else they could do.

Dad was 67 years old, worked at the Post Office for 48 years, and never got to retire. Since then, my Mom has been severely depressed, and I have had my own depression fits, especially taking them out on a community that I have been with for 3 years. They have been very supportive of me, seeing through the crap I have been posting about myself, but I feel like I'm letting them down for posting it over and over.

3 weeks after Dad passed, another family member passed away too – my cousin, Mason. He was a few years younger than me (22 if I'm not mistaken) and died of cardiac arrest.

Since both of their deaths, I've had terrible depression episodes, especially late at night. I'm constantly putting myself down, losing sight of my dreams, and on rare occasions considered what life would be like without me. I've been better lately, but I promised the community I love that I would never take out my sadness on them again, so I need to post it here instead.

I had a tough semester, nearing my graduation, but I had a hard time focusing on things. I often came home and went straight to my Xbox 360, PS2, or laptop instead of studying. In addition, I was working at a grocery store for my 5th year, and was dealing with someone who would not leave me alone. I finally quit work because I was having so many problems with this person, and now that I am able to relax more, I will be able to focus more on my studies than having to worry about work.

Christmas is roughly 6 days away, it will be the first one without Dad (and Mason). Of course, since I don't have a job I feel like my gifts to my family aren't that special because I didn't spend as much as they will. It's little things like that that I get upset about.

But anyway, this is my return to Depression Tribe. I hope next year will be better for me, and I should have been here to begin with to seek help for what I was struggling.