Sat night marks the end of another busy work week for myself. My children are off to thier dads and I get a well deserved me time. Problem is lately this time alone for me now is when the demons all come out to play. These week-end were always my time together with my guy. Anticipated, cherished alone time. Our contact is very limited and guarded since my last relapse.He feels hurt and untrusting, and I am trying to respect that and work though it patiently, but it is so hard. I just want to love him, cant imagine moving forward any other way. This is where the bad guys in my mind start creeping out of the shadows. Ive come to terms with many things in the last few years but recent stuggles are making me aware that theres still a biggy in there. FEAR. Fear of regection. Fear of failure. The more I start to identify this bad guy, the more I realize its been one of the cornerstones in my relapes over the past year. with knowledge comes power, so they say, but it doent seem to ring true here. My fears are over feeling powerless. Of being victim to the things I cant control. Here we go with that damn serenity prayer again! logially I know its right on the mark but accept the things I cannot change ; personally Id like to reword that to change the things I don't what to accept! For now, accepting of my current situation is not an option but I try not to fight it and I struggle with the desire to try and change it, because chances are I will only make it worse. For now, I struggle though the fear, found some more tears. and try to look ahead and never back. "its never too late "