Ok, so tomorrow (Monday) is both two firsts and a last. It's a first for introducing my psychiatrist to my boyfriend, and my first for saying goodbye to a psychiatrist. So that's where the last kicks in… I just get to know someone, they just get to know me, to the point where I don't have to explain myself, or answer any questions on who, what, where, why etc. And off they go. Moving elsewhere. I'll get a locum psychiatrist for a few months before someone takes over from them. So I've got 2 new people who granted will get my notes, but won't know me, like my current doc does.

When she said she was leaving during our last consultation I could feel the corners of my mouth pulling downwards, and I tried to be cheerful but just felt abandoned. She said she was sorry to go, and would liked to have seen me settle on a med over the next few months.

I've just been put on lamotrigine, 200mg per day. Tonight is my second dose at that level after titrating up over the past few weeks. I'm sad because the me the next psychiatrist will see won't be the same as hers. I'll be different.

My boyfriend says he has little respect for the psychiatrist profession. According to him they talk about 'feelings' and little else, dosing people up with medication that they know nothing about. He's a PhD scientist, and finds it very hard to understand what it is that a psychiatrist does. I hope he enters the consultation in the right mindframe tomorrow, and uses the last session with my current pdoc to tell her how I am at home with him (horrible and aggressive) and to listen to her as she explains my condition to him, and all in all helps us out a little bit.

God, I just feel so out of control at the moment, in life, medication, pdoc leaving, moods… anyone out there?

Lonely bipolar bear xxx


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