I feel "blah" today. Sundays always wear me out. From the moment I wake up I'm harassed and hurried.Down that cup of coffee, get dressed quickly, grab something you can eat in the car…we have to do the grocery shopping. I HATE grocery shopping! It wouldn't be so bad if we only went to one store, but we do at least two. One place for produce and meats, another for general grocery stuff. Can you tell that I'm not a fan of going to Wal-Mart?

And taking Zachary and Aaron just makes it worse. Zachary wants to be at home and resents having to go with us and being dragged around the store. This weekend we had to buy his school clothes and he refused to cooperate in any way to help us pick out his clothes, so finally Aaron took him elsewhere while I ended up choosing his clothes. I was ready to strangle him.

Of course there's the never-ending, " But I want to get that toy!", and then he pouts and stops talking to us except to tell us that we're "unfair" and "mean" to him. This is after 3 days in Orlando mainly for him. But I'm not a 6 year old, so maybe to them the world being "fair" means "I get everything I want". Who knows.

My foot is so messed up. I have to go to see the doctor tomorrow about it. When I was 15 I fell 2 feet and landed wrong on that foot, and when I hit the ground I felt a loud "SNAP!" and almost fainted from the pain that followed.The next day I couldn't walk on it, and it was huge and vividly purple andblue and green. Amazingly there were no broken bones, but the doctor didn't look into it any further. Since then I have continuously had problems withit, especially when I do a lot of walking or standing for long periods oftime. For 2 days now I've been wrapping itin an ace bandage, with little relief from it. Even pain relievers don'ttouch it much. I believe that what that snap was so many years agowas a tendon or a ligament separating from bone. I have the feelingI'm goingto end up in podiatrist'soffice or even possibly an orthopedic surgeon. I really don't want surgery on my foot.But I guess we'll see what my physician has to say about it.

Shortly we have to pick up my son and take him to registration for school. I don't understand why they have registration 2 days before school begins!

I have to admit I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed today. Looking at the week ahead stressed me out and I'mnot looking forward to it. Today, registration. Tomorrow 2 doctors visits. Wednesday Zachary starts school. Thursday I have bipolar psychological testing meeting number 1. And I don't even have my work schedule yet. That will be available tomorrow. When I think about I feel like I can't breathe and sick to my stomach. I just want to go crawl in bed and stay there in hiding until the week is over.

Part of my problem is that I don't deal with change well. It's a trigger for me, so it scares me. And Zachary going back to school is a change, even though a relatively small one. I'm concerned because he hasADHD and he's afraid of not doing well in school. He gets to the point that he makes himself sick worrying about school. And there's nothing that I can say or do that seems to help him.

I also feel like I need to admit that I don't like being alone all day. Since Aaron's sleeping I have to keep quiet (ourbedroom is downstairs) upstairs. Mom's at work until at least 3 p.m., and then she goes to bed for awhile since she's been up since 4 a.m.. The first time I have contact with anyone (unless I'm at work, which is few and far between right now due to lack of customers) is when I go pick Zachary up from afterschool care around 4 p.m. I feel very emotionally vulnerable when I'm alone and slightly depressed. I'm afraid of falling deeper into the abyss below me, and I don't want to. But I have so little defense against it it feels like. I try to do quiet things that keep me occupied mentally during the day~ but usually end up sleeping to cope with the silence that echoes back at me. It seems to be the only real way that I can avoid it.

Does anyone else feel like this when they're alone? Afraid of being by yourself, alone with your thoughts? And now I'm house-bound for the most part because of my dang foot. So that option is pretty much out unless I want more pain. Grrrrrrr!!!

I'm so tired of thinking about my illness so much. Like a friend remarked the other day about it, I'm so sick of the constant need to be aware of my state of mind and trying to keep it on a straight path. It's like driving in a car that doesn't respond well, you end up correcting your steering too late and cause yourself to veer in the opposite direction. I just want to not have to deal with "managing" my illness anymore.

It's so sad and strange how I can go from being happy to feeling lowly in a matter of days, or even hours. It's like someone flips a switch in my brain, and then, just like that~ I've changed direction again.

Anyone else feel this way or have this problem?

1 Comment
  1. Aswa 9 years ago

    It's so sad and strange how I can go from being happy to feeling lowly in a matter of days, or even hours. It's like someone flips a switch in my brain, and then, just like that~ I've changed direction again.

    I totally get this ^ ^ ^

    It sucks when you always feel you have to be prepared for anything at any time. It is exhausting.

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