First and foremost

Hello Tribe,

One of your newest noobs here, tho the experience in and of itself is ancient news. I am here because I realize that nothing ever changes without effort, and tho Im sure Im all forms of bat sh*t crazy, I am aware that the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. Really though its more because it seems like more of a risk to stare this self invented hell in the eyes and challenge its tenacity.

Now theres no doubt in my mind how deep it goes, hell the roots stretch from our heads to our toes, and down to the very core but the truth is that it is just a skew of our own perception upon ourselves. So how do you fight yourself? Beating yourself in the head doesnt work, believe I got the lumps to prove it. Chemical warfare hasnt worked for me either, and more than likely Im now more a burn out than bright. Ranting and raving with tons of woe is me's doesnt change anything either, especially cause it stays focused on the past. I tried the therapist route but eventually got terribly frustrated because I really cant fathom anyone being able to tell me anything about myself other than…well myself. Now I understand the need to do all of these things exceptionally well, I know the benefits are there, they are just hidden by accomplishing goals in a sort of sideways cause and effect manner, but I dont think that coming on here and complaining is going to help me in the least.

So, what I would like to do is just say that I will pilfer the blogs for anything useful, and if something in particular reaches out and touches what little is left of my soul I will let you know. But Im trying to approach this as more of a complete reconstruction, rather than a repair. The man I am, and was, is pretty much dead anyways. All that is left is the zombie that wears my face and the scars that are a monument to where Ive been and a testament to where Im going.

But like I said Im trying to build again, rather than repair. As Im filtering through this looking for mistakes and trying to find the words that will lead to the path Im trying to forge ahead I realize how strong they may come across. Just know that without a doubt it sounds better than it actually is, but I dont want to waste any more time trying to explain myself, as Im sure that I never will succeed. Im tired of trying, and Im tired of apologizing for it. Actions speak louder than words anyway, and I know Im forever doomed to force myself to be an enigma wrapped in a riddle and rolled in a mystery.

So, to be solution oriented…I suppose I must first address what I wish to change.

Well first off Im pretty much emotionally retarded. Nothing has much impact on me anymore, other than being dissappointed with myself for letting things carry on this long. I had a long history of abuse when I was a kid, and I know thats where I picked it up, but I ran away from home 10 years ago and Im still stuck in the same pattern. Survival mode, but the time has come to transcend surviving and learn to thrive. So to any who have taken the time to skim through my little piece here, I ask for any input on learning how to give a sh!t.

Secondly, since I dont care for much, Ive taken to isolationism and rolling stag most of the time. I do have a few friend's, but Im terribly dull when it comes to communication. Any advice on learning self expression would also do me a world of good.

Of course as soon as I get rolling on this there would be outside influences encroaching on me. I gotta get back to grinding as a wage slave, but to those who took the time thank you for reading this.

enigma