It''s weird that even when you feel real sad and alone you dont have nobody to chat, talk, call or see. Sometimes I think I am so used to this I don''t know how to react if it was difference. Like a child trying to walk, I guess I must fall a few times.
Im trying to find comfort in my lonelyness, looking that people dont really like me or understand me. I am not easy to get along with maybe. But I did and still try.
I guess I found my place and I got to accept it and live life the best I can this way, alone forever.
Since I wont have any children, I consider myself lucky to have my cat. Shes like a daughter to me. It''s too bad she cant talk. Sometimes I feel like she understands what I say. Likenow Im alone in my room crying and for some reason she eas outside of my door purring. maybe she felt I was sad and now I opened the door for her to sleep next to me.
I will end this on the possitive note, I do try and im thankfull I atleast have some family who arent close or there where I need them but they tried/try to understand me sometimes. I can easily pretend to happy with them and sometimes I even have real laughs when I visit. I don''t visit much but since they are my only social connections right now I will try to visit more. My cousins wife is expecting a child and they invited me to go see what gender the baby is next year. I am always trying to not get my negative mood influence the family so I reacted as if I was super excited. I am kind of curious but I guess because im sad now I think why would I bring a new life to this messed up world.
Many say oh your young you will change your mind later. But its something that gets stronger every year, every day. I dont even see myself not being single to even be amother. That would be wonderfull. But I must accept the reality of it. My illnesses, my life, they way I am I dont want to make it harder on myself or anybody else.
I can''t do the easy way because I know it will affect some people who know me. I dont want they to feel guilty because some did try. My mother is not in the same country but shes the number one reason Im still alive, as long as shes alive i have strong reasons to keep going too. If she went through all of that and still is fighting then i ust keep fighting too and dont want to hurt her. Right now, thankfully, I have fear for death. I am very curious and sometimes I even try stop breathing to see if I can feel what It might feel like. Stupid I know. I just got so many questions about life and death, it bothers me every day.
I decided to continue with school. Still loking for a job. I applied for alot of things but did not get respond back so this week Im going to make a few calls myself. If Im going to keep living I guess I will do my best to make it work even if its alone. I got to use the oppurtunities I have. Im sure I will cry alot more and feel this way for a long time. But I think I will also have good moments and thats what I am looking forward too otherwise is it worthed?
I maybe may not leave behind my own kids, husband, grandchildren etc.. but I will make sure I leave a story together with millions of other stories of people who went through the same or worse. We did try and we wanted people to understand. We also wanted answers to help us out of our confusions. We wanted a hug when feeling alone or a shoulder to lean on. Even when we didnt find those we build our own support through all this pain. I want to leave a book, my thoughts, memories written on my computer, notes, good example and maybe help in a scientific research when Im done with school. I dont know why but when I die I dont want it to feel like I never excisted like I wrote in one of my blogs before. I also want to be remembered even if I am lonely and have problems connecting with people I do care.I might be lonely forever but I will try to not be invicible and useless forever.
It just feels this whole life is worthless sometimes, everything seems to be forgotten at one point unless you are famous. We come and we go like we never was here and I am so confused about what everyone says. I''m trying to study cells and how all this all, planets, universe started and its so amazing. Then I hear things from religious people, then I see the so many negativity and pain in this life. I dont know. Same time I try to live y life and improve it but I keep getting stuck because I cant find peace wih no connections with people, no understanding of our race, beliefs and actions. I feel so lost everyday, I need a way. I try to build my own road but all these thoughts are too heavy, it keeps breaking everytime and I have to start all over again. I know I will never be smart enough to understand this universe.