I keep telling myself that after tomorrow things will seem better. I know that trouble doesn’t last always.  It’s hard enough while you’re in it, but there is another side.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Even in the darkest places, light can shine.

The problem…well, I am impatient.  I don’t like waiting for the light.  It’s bad enough being in the darkness.  Especially when the light that shines is about as powerful as a flashlight!

I went to church Sunday out of duty.  Not to praise the Lord with my mouth, but with my service.  I am devoted, but when I’m like this I have no interest in talking with people or being around other believers.  I didn’t have the heart to serve either.  I did it though and once I was in the role it’s like the darkness melted away, but when I finally sat down and began listening to the message, the tiny flashbulb went right out.  No more light.  I was annoyed and aggravated and uncomfortable and any other negative adjective you want to put in there.

I love my church.  I mean that wholeheartedly.  I love God.  That’s how I know I need help.  I did not enjoy praise and worship and I’m one of those people who lift up their hands and sing along.  I tried to sing, but there was no joy.

No joy. That which service, worship and peace in the Lord should provide.  So I wondered am I a good Christian? Then I thought, that was a dumb question. Jesus didn’t call himself a Christian.  Just like any other religion with its doctrines, laws, and rituals it is made up and probably means nothing to God.  How arrogant are we to know what really pleases the Lord just because we have a book that was put together by a panel of men!?!

No, I don’t think we could possibly no, not really anyway.  I can’t believe that God is angry with me for not being able to worship today.  I believe that God is Love.  If my earthly father can love me through all the "bad" things I do and will help me as much as he can, how much more will my Heavenly Father love and do? I doubt I could ever really know or understand.  But the question is how much do I really need to?  Isn’t that what faith is all about?

~chantymay

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