I am currently living a nightmare!

 First day back at work today after 20 days off sick – only 2 weeks of a notice period left.  Yesterday, I felt OK – calm, chilled, relaxed.  Even sorting out tax returns was OK.  Went to bed at midnight – and was still awake at 4am – getting stressed, imagining conversations I'd have with colleagues, feeling angry, feeling sad…..  Woke up before the alarm at 6:45am, and was all over the place.  Stressed, shaking, feeling sick / retching.  Got into work for 9am – and thought no, its OK, I can do this.  Felt calm / focussed.

Picked up my tax return again (well, didn't actually fancy doing much work as I am leaving!), and then noticed some information I needed to get.  Ended up going to the bank at lunchtime, getting increasingly wound up – to the point of bursting into tears when speaking to the cashier.  Thank god she was nice!!!  In fact she was fantastic – must remember to take in a box of chocolates as a thankyou.  She got me away from the other customers, got me some water, got the person I needed to speak to on the phone, and talked me through it.  The only explanation I managed to give her was "I'm having a bad day, and this is a final straw!).  I'm crying even as I write this now.  Anyway – got what I needed and then text my boss to say I'm going home. (didn't wait for the answer coz whats he going to do about it?!)

I never knew stress was this bad.  Had anxiety patches in my life, but this feels so different.  I feel like I have lost my personality – I'm known as the laidback, takes everything in my stride, pro-active, don't sweat the small stuff person  I have become someone who is quick to have a go at people, lacks confidence and a bit of a quivering wreck.

On a positive note, I got a phone call when I got home, and have been shortlisted for a job, and going for an interview next Monday.


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