Hi,

I have just joined today.  I did not intend to do this but my depression overcame me again this morning and an overwhelming feeling of loneliness engulfed me yet again.  In my head I am screaming for help but go through the motions of doing normal things and carrying on as if nothing is the matter.  I thought I would look on the internet to see if I could find help in any way.  One of the recurring themes was, write down how you are feeling.  I have never been able to do that, or really talk about my problems so when I saw this site I thought I would give it a try.

I feel very strange doing this but it does feel better just beginning to write about how awful I feel.

Seven years ago I had a complete and total breakdown.  My husband had an intense affair with someone I had become friends with.  Of course he denied it until my daughters discovered proof through the telephone bill and mobile phone calls.  On being confronted he begged foregiveness and promised to end it.  Unfortunately I had to see this person everyday at work and it was not long before I realised he hadn't ended it.  I had a very stressful job and trying to keep on top of the job and cope with emotional fallout of the affair was very difficult.  She was determined to keep him and told me that I was old hat but that as I was reasonable looking I would probably find some one else.  As she was 20 years younger than me and my husband I suppose she had a point.  He was totally besotted with her and basked in the reflected glory of being with someone only 4 years older than his oldest daughter.  He thought she looked like a super model and told her so in letters which she gave to me to prove how much he loved her.  The emotional roller coaster was unbelievable.  She had her sightes set on my lovely home and wouldn't leave us alone every time my husband tryed to end it, calling constantly on the phone and walking past my classroom every day morning and night, staring at me. 

I started to have palpitations every morning going into school knowing I had to see her.  The doctor gave me tablets but they did nothing.  Then one of my parents came to se me to ask whether I knew my husbands car was parked outside her house regularly and he thought I ought to know.  Again I realised that it had started up again and went home in a terrible fury and told my husband to get out I couldn't take any more.  He went down on his knees begging me to believe he wanted to finish it, and so after calming down he stayed and then the phone calls started again from her.  My husband unplugged the phones.  Then her friend came round shouting and screaming why hadn't my husband gone to her she was expecting him.  I had never experienced anything like it it was like something you see on television or in the films. We didn't know what was going to happen next and worried they would damage our property.  She left and then came back a while later dragging this woman with her and that is when they flung the letters at me to prove my husband was maddly in love.

I felt so sick and ill and told my husband I couldn't go on.  He would have to choose between her and me so he chose her.  It was a Sunday at the beginning of December and I had to go into school to decorate my classroom for Christmas.  I couldn't stop crying and my friend came to school, my husband had told her what had happened and she took me to her house, where I stayed.  The next day she made a doctors appointment for me and took me to the doctors who signed me off work for 3 months.  But I never went back.