I have come to this place, as I walk an uncharted path. It seemed so selfish to unload this burden on a friend, who had never known her, but only my pain from her passing. For how could they understand what it is like, to have held something in your grasp, only to have it slip away, gone forever.
It will have been 2 years in June since her passing, and i feel her absence far more soundly now than i ever did then. Perhaps a failure to grasp what indeed i had lost, and how violently, i did not comprehend until i had been witness to something far more graceful in its passing.
My goodfriend Lauren commited suicide, on June 18th 2014, a deed not entirely unforgivable, but no less harder to accept. I felt it not at first, my day went on as did every other day after that. I felt no attendence to her funeral was necessary, though i regret it now, for i wish i had been there if only to look in the faces of those who had claimed to love her, but only wounded, neglected and burdened her more with each passing day. Its true i knew ofsome of there horrible crimes against her, whats worse is knowing there was more i was never told. Things that went unmentioned, as muchout of shame as in sorrow on her part. For more than willing was i to listen, ashamed i think, she was to tell me of they're abusive ways.
So I cruised along continuing my life, never stopping for a moment, cause if did the dam might break. School, work, school, work, throwing myself into the only things that did not remind me of her. Unitl september that is, september the 18th, when my cousin suffered an unpected stroke. He was only 38, and though they could have kept him on life support, they decided to let him go.
I went to say my goodbyes, and how shocked I was at what overcame me. For as soon as I laid eyes upon himI was rendered speechless, my silence was not for his children, not for his mother and father, or my own my mother, who was despairing at his all too brief depature. but for how peaceful he looked. How could it be that someone about to die, with so much life unlived, so many things left unfinshed, could pass with nothing but peace upon his face.
And through his face, i saw hers. Facing a gruelling truth, the life I had refused to mourn came back to me, and through my tears, not for this man that lay in front of me, but for a girl that by her ownhand, hadlife cut tooshort. A question stormed my thoughts, that refused to relent until i let it have its day. Had she looked that peaceful after she killed herself? Could such a violent end, have been met with peace and grace?
My lack of faith, held no place in what happened next, and though I believe, I know not how this truth came to me with such conviction. I dontbelieve she had…
Ever since I faced this truth, I am burderned by the weight of it. Days go by faster than they ever have before, and i think of her more with each passing day. And though friends ask me if I am well, I feel unable to tell them of this confession; that I am not.
Anger, sadness, joy, they all seem so insignificant these days, here one moment, gone the next. How petty everyones issues are to me, and how very little i seem care. things that once seemed content, have made me wrestless. Im feeling the urge to runaway from everything, go somewhere new and start fresh, but how can I, when the problem is not them, its me. They didnt change, I did, and Im ashamed to tell them.