My husband. He is my number one stressor. He is such a dink, everyday. I know that Im not the most amazing person ever to live with, I do have OCD (contamination) and even though I have gotten things to what I feel is a very liveable place I still occasionally ask reassurance questions (like did you wash your hands?) and I waste alot of money on soap/laundry soap (and this realllllly bugs me right now) but I try hard not to obsess on things or limit any "normal" activities ect (example taking the kids to the park or public play places that type of thing)…while I fully understand the obnoxiousness of living with someone with OCD, I dont think that a person can make everything bad out to be because of OCD (even if it is irrelevant) or constantly make someone feel crummy about it (as if we all dont feel crappy enough about OCD) especially when it isnt such a big ordeal as it once was for me. He was nasty to me a few years ago when my OCD was at its peak and all brand new to me and I was grasping to get ahold of it all, he is much much better than that now, thankfully, but still…..and considering he has a handful of mental quirks/issues himself (one which I believe to be a form of health OCD). But mainly it is just the way he speaks to me, treats me, ignores me, criticizes me, doesnt spend any time with me, I do EVERYTHING around the house and with the kids, with the exception of working outside the home (which yes is a major importance for a family to have an income, obviously, so I appretiate very much that he does this so I can take care of my kids),,,,his job at home is his laundry (he barely does), yardwork (rare occasions) and taking the garbage bins to the curb (I gather all garbage during the week though – big ocd accomplishment for me, very little anxiety with this)…I have no problems with doing all the childcare/diapers/housework, I like it like this, well I mean somedays I get frustrated, but I like the arrangement and being home with my kids……until he opens his mouth about things. He says "I dont let him to things" well that might have been true once….more of an ocd control thing, but also because I had to feel worse about things if he helped out in a way….anyways hes never around to help! Hes up in his computer room whenever he is not at work, he barely knows what me and the kids are doing, nor is he very often down here interacting with us…so when is it he is going to help. Tonight I was told that "all the other wives do thier husbands laundry" so I guess this is one more thing I can add to my weekly things I need to do….not entirely sure that when all someone has to do in the evenings and on weekends is play video games, why they cant do a load of laundry here and there……and of course in this laundry discussion I was told I had a screach voice, was fucking nuts (I think he thought I was speaking from an OCD angle) and was annoying, so that was clearly a pleasent interaction. Ahhhhh whatever in the end its the way I am treated and spoken to, his attitude about our home/life/everything…..I am stressed and anxious in this relationship and I think it makes my washing routine worse.

I hope no one bothered to read all that, lol, I just had to get it out. Im hoping if I can start to blog consistantly it might help me sort through things and get out of my current OCD rut.

I hope he doenst realize Im on here and read this either. Dont need to hear about blogging about him on an annonymous site…

The amount of soap I have used since last night is embarassing, like seriously…probly 2 L. What the heck? Why cant I stop the multiple washings and pumps of soap thing? Well not even stop, but drastically reduce because I know this is insane. Its so easy for me to think logically about it now, but in the moment, I just get carried away with OCD what ifs and having to "feel right"…..Frustrated. Sore hands.

Hope you are all well.